Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Day 31? - Path of mental stability

The Path of Mental Stability - aka What I learned in 30 days.

When a journey starts with an emotionally invalidating home environment, with narcissism, psychotic or emotion neglectful parenting, it leads to very little self awareness or skills of how to cope with your emotions.  The self destruction will begin young, often manifesting itself in taking dangerous personal risks, promiscuity, seeking inappropriate partners or becoming emotionally distant, while all along, the craving or deep desire for emotional validation mounts.  The need for acceptance and unconditional love isn't a cliche, to an empathetic soul its needed for survival.  

Without acceptance a poor balance of mental health results in terrifying feelings around self worth and overwhelming destructive levels of self doubt.  It also creates a self fulfilling prophecy to choose partners that do not have the ability to validate, connect or to even show love by their actions.  Choosing the emotionally stunted or withdrawn, the narcissists or even worse. the psychopath because it feels recognizable and identifiable.  There is a sick comfort in the pain. There is almost a need to choose them because part of your struggle is wanting to not crave the emotional stability and almost an admiration for their ability to apparently live a happy and fulfilling life with a totally void emotional intelligence or quotient.  You are attracted by their strength, sometimes you envy their non emotional asshole-like behaviours and you sometimes even attempt to emulate them. 

Since you are actually trying to be something you are not, there is an entire internal struggle that still seeks the emotional validation.  This battle, often manifests itself in your personality being emotionally charged or becoming distraught extremely fast.  An uncontrollable force drives you to express your emotions in a intense, overly dramatic, or destructive ways.  Often it takes you longer time than most to calm down and often if the invalidating of your emotions continues, the rage can spiral out of control.  Thus creating the never ending circle of the emotionally invalidating environment by literally terrifying or alienating the people around you from giving you exactly what you need. 

Eventually the levy will break, causing the relationship to end... and if treatment is not sought or put in place, another relationship will fill the void.  Cycling over and over. And over.  

To break the cycle a new road must be taken, a road of self love and discovery, a road of acceptance of ones own emotions, a validation reached through ones own self worth instead of seeking it from others.  This road is a terrifying, demanding, exhausting but an extremely rewarding journey.  

Step 1. Begin a process of stopping your own destructive behaviours.  Starting with "emotion regulation" which is the ability to accept, enhance or reduce emotions as needed.  Accepting emotions means also accepting that emotions will change and to embrace those changes.  We have to accept that any emotion is fleeting, from mere moments to hours, it is a relatively short-term condition; we will not always be feeling that emotions. This goes for every type of emotion, from fear to anxiety and happiness to sadness. 

Step 2. Recognize that while emotions are fleeting, you can feed them to keep them alive longer with self talk.  Of course negative self talk is going to keep the spiraling anger or fear alive, the same is true with happiness.  Gratitude is the best way to feed the happy side.  

Step 3. Allow yourself to fail.  Move on from it having learned the lesson, but without focusing on the failure.  Guilt and self loathing for failure will keep you in a failing cycle.  Picking yourself up and dusting yourself off, accept the mistake, state clearly how you will avoid that mistake in the future and get right back on the right path.  

Step 4. Take ownership of your journey and make time to love yourself.  Decide to take healthy steps and make fulfilling decisions that feel right to your core being. While you are getting your own house in order make sure you have the right people in your life, from family, to friends and partners.  If any of these people make you feel bad about who you are, how you live, or why you feel what you are feeling, then its time to pack your bags and move on.  Now, not later, not maybe, not soon... but right now!  You are worth it.  

Step 5, Achieving mindfulness, live in the moment, stop regretting the past and stop worrying about the future. Control, experience and love the moment.  Right now, this second.  As emotions are fleeting, so is time.  Do not waste another moment on hating yourself.  You are more than enough and know that there are people that truly believe that.

I got this.

I am also starting this today.... just for fun.  Smile.



Monday, June 12, 2017

Day 30 - The end is just the beginning.

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  15
3. Walk - Park. River. Trestle.
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful I completed this challenge to the level I wanted to.
5. Build/Create - Finished Bridge
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am mindful of my choices and my actions.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Tidying
10. Seek pleasure - Dinner with A2
10/10



Brave Act -

Reward yourself with something nice. Really nice. You've earned it.

LEGO Carousel seems like a nice reward, thank you me.

I challenged myself, I took action, I put in the time, I stepped out of my comfort zone, I took risks, I felt vulnerable, and I accomplished what I set out to do. It is not easy facing fears, and the journey will never truly be over, but I have built a solid foundation and will continue putting in the hard work because I am worth and my boys deserve for me to set the best example for them.

Journal Prompts - 

What was the most insightful thing you learned about yourself in the past 30 days?

I learned that I need to take care of myself.  First most and forth right.  All other things will work themselves out.

How have you noticed your brave training empower others around you to be brave too? 

I have not noticed this, sadly.  Many people I know have been struggling a lot as of late.  This journey, although life changing, is only for someone that is ready to make radical changes, and those in my life right now that are struggling are not quite there yet.  On the other hand, this journey really did open up lines of communication with A2

What is one thing that you are going incorporate into your daily routine to help you live a brave, bold life? 

4 things actually.  Mediation, water, yoga and walking.  The walking may be a challenge when winter hits, and I despise tread mills, so I am installing a training bag just to keep active and perhaps a stationary bike.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Day 29 - Light at the end of the tunnel

One more day... I think I can, I think I can.

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  60
3. Walk - Park. River. Trestle. Sleep Shop. Hanover By Pass
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for my life turning around.
5. Build/Create - Sketching in "Pick Me Up"
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am woman, hear me ROAR.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Cut grass
10. Seek pleasure - Coffee date
10/10

Brave Act

Reach out to a friend whom you've lost touch. Ask them how they've grown and try to pinpoint what the real driving force for their action to change was.

I asked a friend that recently got sober... their answer was so simple I thought they were understating it, until I saw the look in their eyes.  "It was a matter of life or death."

I think we all hit a "rock bottom" of sorts, late 2016 was mine.  I can never go back to that depth, every again.  Growling, digging in, planting feet firmly, leaning forward, "Im here and I am enough. come with me or get the hell out of my way" because I have only one direction, FORWARD.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow."

Journal Prompts

What do I notice starting to compound into something greater that would have been impossible for me to see a month ago?  
Two simple things hit me with this question, water and walking.  These two items are making me more healthy.  I used to actually hate water... 29 days later Im craving it and no longer wanting the case of coke that is sitting in the fridge.  Walking is getting easier every day.  Going farther, faster, with less effort.  My only fear is weather... I can do the rain but come late fall, Im not sure I can brave the snow.  Im going to have to come up with an alternate plan for then.

What might happen if I stayed committed towards this growth for another 30 days?
Im not sure this is a "might"... I think I must.  I will back off of some of the 10 "demands" only because they almost start to feel like nagging....  but the yoga, water, and walking has to stay.  It has to be as natural and habitual as brushing my teeth or my morning coffee.


Saturday, June 10, 2017

Day 28 - Amazing Race

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  30
3. Walk - Park. River. Trestle.
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for my summer vacation.
5. Build/Create - Tree Bridge.
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am changing.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Errands, new clothes.
10. Seek pleasure - Rock Lobster
10/10

Brave Act

Ask someone who knows you well,
"What is the biggest change you have noticed most in me lately?"

They said: You are happy, smiling and a tad insane, like the women I used to know.

"Change can be beautiful when we are brave enough to evolve with it, and change can be brutal when we fearfully resist.

Life is always changing; I am always changing. Remembering this gives me comfort and confidence for whatever the day may hold. I drift smoothing through those changes, good and bad. When things get stormy, I take comfort knowing this too shall pass and any current pain will subside. When good things drift away from me, I take comfort knowing better things await on the journey ahead.

Journal Prompts

Reflecting back a month, I have changed in the following way …
In one month, .... well honestly almost everything has changed.  My activity level is completely different, eating habits have completely changed, but mostly my confidence is returning, and I have found my inner child again.  Building, dancing, laughing.

Looking a month ahead, I expect to change in the following way …
I would be completely satisfied if I could just continue with all the changes I have made in the last month.  Want to negotiate with the list, and allow myself coffee before drinking a bottle of water in the morning... however in all honesty, all the rest seems to be working.  I would like to see the creative side crank up, but considering we are just one full month out from BF... well I just dont think its realistic.  However, there is no reason I cant continue with all the rest of things on the list.  After Day 30, I will stop recording it, just because it makes for boring journaling.

Random Ponderings

Today was the day I volunteered run the LEGO Amazing Race event challenge.  I was prepared for 200, was told to expect 120.... but in reality, we only had around 30 people (or 9 teams).  Considering I drove the whole way there, I decided to run an impromptu build for the random kids in the mall and the store.  It was a good way to take a craptastic situation into a super positive experience.  Sort of par for the course of what Im trying to achieve with this challenge.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Day 27 - Wonder Woman

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  15
3. Walk - No
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful friends that help.
5. Build/Create - Bridge with Mounties
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am confident.
8. NO junk - Nope, popcorn and pop, at movies.
9. "Fix" - Finished sets for BF
10. Seek pleasure - Wonder Woman movie.
8/10

Brave Act

Answer every question that is asked of you today with a confident 'YES' or 'NO'.
This isnt really a problem for me, I easily answer questions confidently.  I think backing off and perhaps remembering to let others answer occasionally should have been my task... but since it wasnt, I got this one down pat.

Journal Prompt

What can I do today to act my way into more self-confidence?
Since any of my self-confidence issues tend to be more related to body image, standing taller without slouching is probably a good way to start... as well as throwing away clothes I dont feel great wearing. A tad bit of lipstick seems to be doing the trick lately and continuing to eat healthy has been a big boost as well.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Day 26 - Eustressed??? Nice try 30 day.

eu·stress
yo͞oˈstres/
noun
  1. moderate or normal psychological stress interpreted as being beneficial for the person experiencing it


1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  30
3. Walk - River to trestle.
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for completed work.
5. Build/Create - Poppy
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am happy.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Sets & Bags for BF
10. Seek pleasure - House guest J
10/10

Random Pondering

You cant just add "ed" to any word you want 30 day Challenge.  Meh.  Whatever.

Brave Act 

Condition yourself to be more okay with discomfort by intentionally doing something goofy or unusual.

"Discomfort is very much part of my master plan."

In order to get something I don’t have, or go somewhere I’ve never been, I have to do something I’ve never done. Which is why I’m willing to step outside my comfort zone and do things that make me feel uncomfortable. As I condition myself to master my fear of discomfort in small doses, I notice my comfort zone slowly expand to include discomfort. I grin in discomfort knowing that’s the indicator that my brave muscles are being stretched and growing.

Journal Prompts

What types of stress has made me stronger? Fear of running out of time, magically turns the procrastination off and allows work to get completed.

How can I invite more healthy stress into my life to replace unhealthy stress? Stress doesn't need invited, it comes, like the sun in the morning and the darkness each night.  However, I think the real question here is "How can I get rid of unhealthy stress"... and the answer is simple.  Remove people from my world that truly cause me unhappiness.  Those that are constantly angry or those that judge everyone else without ever looking in the mirror.  This will mean people that think my vision or my way is ridiculous instead of okay need to leave.  I don't need them to buy into my way, but just understand that we all get to the final destination, the route doesn't matter.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Day 25 - Resilience? Bring it on!

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  15
3. Walk - Yes. but short.
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for my classroom
5. Build/Create - M*A*S*H  (last day)
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am resilient.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Build Room
10. Seek pleasure - Teaching
10/10

This project has been fun... its nearly done and now 
packed up for the event... still needs some details
that will be built on site.  More pictures to follow. 


Brave Act 

Put extra high priority on your health today. Be it physical, mental, or spiritual, whatever has been neglected most. Give it the attention you know it needs.
Health is the foundation for maintaining resilience.

I can plan and prepared day after day, but I can't always dodge the setbacks of life’s uncertainties. What’s important is when life gets me up against the rope, I will not give up, I will not give in. If it were easy, everyone would be doing it. I will stand my ground and remember why I set out on this brave adventure in the first place. I will take a breath, look forward, and say "Bring it on.”

Journal Prompts

What is the cost and risk if I don’t take action on my 30-Day Goal? 
Simply - Health, self worth and relationship damage.

Random Ponderings 

Truly KNOW that what other people think of me, is totally not my business.