Day 18 - Dance like no one is watching.

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  I full hour (very proud)
3. Walk - Yes /E
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for new/old friend C.
5. Build/Create - Rage doodled.
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am adventurous.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Two totes and cleaned kitchen.
10. Seek pleasure. - I "Callie"d myself.
10/10

Brave Act - 
The next stranger that crosses your path ask them the first genuine question that comes to mind.  

Im not afraid to talk to strangers, in fact I quite welcome it.  I asked some random person what they love and hate about this small town I live in.  Their answer was "everything" and "nothing".  It was short, and sweet but lacked the authenticity I seek.  Which is exactly what I hate about this town, no one rocks the boat.

My perception of the world and belief in what is possible is not limited by the interpretation of others. It is through direct experience that I develop a concrete understanding of my own reality. This develops a confidence at a cellular level that enables me to freely and courageously navigate any adventure. I know I might not find the answer or reach the destination I set out for, but this quest of inquiry will at least open myself up to a mystery that’s meant to be lived.

Journal Prompts -  
What assumed truth has fearfully prevented me from taking action?

No one will love me, the real me.  Not friends, I have lots of love from friends, and my close family, I mean a life partner.

What personal experience could give me a better understanding this fear?

The 48 years of rejection, the 27 year argument, the wage I earn, my upbringing, my fear of never being enough, fighting to be heard, to be respected, to just be.  I don't want to think about experiences that lead to this fear.  Why do these journal prompts focus on the negative??? Aren't we supposed to be changing our inner voice to a positive one??? I want to rise above these fears.  For my own self worth is a enough to rise above every single voice that is discouraging or hateful.

Random Ponderings - 
I have always identified with the fictional "Callie Torres" from GA... and the "bit" about her no longer dancing in her underwear because of how unhappy she was, and life had a hold on her... and her moving on by herself, finally letting go and embracing her self, her curves, imperfectly perfect, sexy and oh so beautiful.  This has always been an inspiration.

Yoga, dance and art may save my life... but until then, I call dibs!

Day 17 - You win some, you lose some.

Today's email came with the words "some days are harder than others" in the subject line, and all I can reply to that is "no kidding"... today knocked me down and didnt even wait for the count before calling victory on the whole day.  I guess death of a love one does that, but I found myself curled up in bed in the middle of the day for 3 hours.  Thats the first time during this challenge I have allowed my emotions to win, but today Im going to give myself a pass, I needed to grieve, and grieve I did. 

Luckily I did a bit of my list before I learned of his passing.  

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga - 30
3. Walk - No
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for my old friend/lover and thankful for the time I had him in my life.
5. Build/Create - No
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am progressing.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Dishes.
10. Seek pleasure. - Bubble bath and friends support
8/10 

Brave Act - 

Let your brave muscle repair and strengthen by reflecting and appreciating the daily small wins you've been accomplishing.

"Sometimes I feel like when I take one step forward, I end up falling two steps back. What’s important in this situation is that I don't let these setbacks deter me from staying course and moving forward. I must remember that life moves in waves and it’s okay to have bad days, as long as I get back up and keep pressing ahead."

 

Today's Journal Prompts -

 

A recent moment that left me feeling scared and discouraged …

Both today and Day 15 left me feeling scared and discouraged because I lost my focus and had problems not just collapsing under the emotional strain. 

Reflecting on this moment, I see now that I grew from this challenging situation in the following way … I learned that tomorrow is yet another day, and the best you can do is get a good nights sleep and start fresh yet again in the morning.  That is just what Im going to do, once I hit publish.  

My Random Ponderings...

 An extended post of what I wrote on FB 

I just heard about an ex boyfriend's death on facebook.  He was a "current friend & beloved secret keeper" and I just confided in him last night, about this journey and about some crazy new revelations.... and now he is gone. Talk about life jarring events.  I am in utter shock.  I feel for his family, his new wife, his grown kids, his brother, and all his extended family, work mates, etc.  

I'm absolutely gutted and heartbroken and mad for myself as well. 

My thoughts - You were a great man, that taught me that love does not come in a perfect little box wrapped in a bow. That sometimes letting go is an act of love and sometimes holding on, means holding back. I will never forget the amazing times we spent together.  You are clearly loved by many, but I know you and I knew what made you tick, and I know what we shared was short but deep, and meant something to both of us.  I do not doubt that I left a mark on your life as you have left one on mine.  I will never look at art the same way, or anti-art black canvas the same way, and I certainly will never look at a doorway the same way either.  I have never had a better art gallery companion, and our private life was pretty great too, at least all the moments we were able to steal away.  Im soooo glad I was right that one night and years later you had to confess it to me, because there were so many times you were right as well and I would hate to think that the old man had one over on this young-en all the time.  You changed my thinking and made me feel like my opinions and decisions were worthy.  You debated and charmed me, and you rocked my world.  My dream to live in the south plays partly on your southern charms and our southern adventures.  I regret that I will never hear the barely intelligible twang you had  I will never forget your art, your laugh, the eye twinkle and the way you touched my soul.  

This day I will grieve, this shot of whiskey, these tears, of saying good bye then and now,... they are all for you, and all you gave me. 

I know my tears will make you mad, but give me just one day. 

Tomorrow... as humour was your greatest gift and greatest weapon... tomorrow I will laugh.  I promise. 

I will focus on the fun, the silly, crazy, good times, the laughter tummy aches, and happy tears of release.  My mind is rushing with thoughts, the flood, the plane you were never going to make - then magically were there, the mill damn, the stench of snicks disgustingly rotting food, the banana yellow track suit, the art galleries, the popup, breaking the popup, fixing the popup, the heat, the sweat from the unbearable heat, the diner, the other diner, all the diners, the freshly cleaned port-a-potty, the car wash, snicks muddy foot prints on my ass as I nearly fell in the river, and all the other insane mishaps we shared.  

But give me today to focus on my heart and our lifelong friendship based on the result of a simple touch in the middle of some random night. Not many are aware of our journey, my children never got to meet you, nor I yours, but today when 

I said good-bye to you on FB, your brother put a heart there and I know its because he knew what we shared, somehow it helped.  How proud you would be of how people spoke of you today, you touched so many and you were loved.  

Rest well my friend, know that you did everything you could, for me, and all those you cared about. I love you forever and forever it will be.  Say good night Gracie.  

Day 15 - No, Day 16

Well... due to unforeseen but perhaps predictable circumstances... Day 15 turned out to be a total write off.  Out of town guest lead to a total burnout from mental exploration which left me with a startling conclusion that I guess I have always known, but never let rise to my cognitively conscientiously active brain.  Yeah I know, denial is a lovely cover up for all that ails ya.

So, in the spirit of getting back on the horse... here is a combo, Day 15/16

Today in my solitude, I will tackle both days of journal prompts and "brave" acts, but you will see below that the "10" things yesterday broke my whole rule of not going to bed before I score a 8 out of 10.  Im not going to self flagellate here, Im just going to pick up and carry along.  If guilt stays with me for dropping the ball I will make this a 31 day challenge instead.

Day 15/16
1. Water - No/Yes
2. Yoga - No/Yes
3. Walk - No/Yes
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for emtional breakthroughs/ I am grateful for Brickfete.
5. Build/Create - Big Ben and  /M*A*S*H and doodle
6. Be still - No/Yes
7. Positive - I am resourceful/I am focused.
8. NO junk - Ate awfully/Yes back on track.
9. "Fix" - No/Trailer
10. Seek pleasure. - JB/Float
Day 15  3/10
Day 16  8/10

Day 15 - Brave Act (actually done on Day 16)

Draw a scene of yourself 15 days from now, succeeding in your 30-Day challenge.
Note what emotions arise as you doodle your braver, successful self.
(Took longer to work through this than I expected, but this was a fun process. End of the 28 year argument, and the 48 year rejection, The end of not being enough and being manipulated by my own twisted ideals of acceptance.)  The tear-down of the walls to hide behind, and the building of a safe mind and health bubble.  Super hero stance, building inner strength, tall, strong back bone, positive thoughts. Floating wings of a self built fantasy, but the shedding of fantasies planted others.  A core group of support just an arms length away, far enough to catch if there is a fall, but enough distance away that leaning is impossible.  

Day 16 - Brave Act 

When you take a shower, notice how the water flows down your skin; notice the temperature, the pressure,  and the sounds of individual droplets.  When you are sitting, just as you are now, catch yourself slouching, sit up straight. Sit with alertness and intent. Take a deep breath, and let it all go.  (The irony of me missing yesterday and today's prompt being "focused" is not lost on me)


Day 15 - Journal Prompts (actually written on Day 16)

What resources would help me flourish in my 30 Day Challenge?
(e.g. money, time, information, training, technology, people)
Confidence, or more so, the ability to believe in my dreams again.  Yes, of course money would always help, or at least reduce stress, however, every "real" battle I have is with nothing but the grey matter within my own head.

What emotions can I develop to elicit more of those resources?
(e.g. creativity, curiosity, determination, love, enthusiasm, honesty)
Creativity for sure, its curative, but I do need a good dose of enthusiasm, adrenaline or good old fashion optimism.  Not my typical "go to" emotions, but I am working on it.


Day 16 - Journal Prompt

Something I've achieved that I might have previously thought impossible …
Seeking out acceptance and finding it for my depression.  I have spent too long feeling alone and riddled with guilt.

Something or someone that will get 100% of my attention today … 
Since the last seven days have been focussed on "someone"... actually a few someones, today's focus will be Brickfete.  I have been neglecting Brickfete for way too long, and today its time to buckle down.  I commit at least a full work day to this and will start a 12 pm sharp with the trailer.  UGH.  Motivation please do not fail me.

Day 14 - Stupid Pet Tricks

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga - 10 (House Guest)
3. Walk - No
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for JB.
5. Build/Create - Adventure Time
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am determined.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Groceries etc.
10. Seek pleasure. - 4am JB-vision
8/10

30 Day Action 
Choose one of the determined micro-challenges: examples Brush Teeth with Opposite Hand, Carry Something Tempting, Chew Each Bite 30 Times.

The idea....
Remember, it is in the small, seemingly insignificant things that we begin to flex our brave muscle and adopt a new normal.

The reality...
These action are lame, and I mean LAME.  I really feel like these are not challenging and feel more like stupid pet tricks...but I will do it... for SCIENCE.

30 Day Journal Prompt(s) -

What has previously interfered with my ability to perform?  (e.g. limiting beliefs, values, people, systems, etc)
Well, procrastination, negative self talk or self worth, laziness, and money, or lack there of, is inferring with my ability to perform.  None of which are insurmountable, but often in the forefront of my thinking.  I do know when push comes to shove I can manage, but often its just not worth the effort.  Or is no longer worth the effort.

Which of these are external limitations, and which are internal?
All of these are internal limitations, however, I guess if push came to shove you could argue money is an external, however, my ability to earn more money is directly related to and a result of the other internal issues mentioned above.  The only other external limitation is the lack of being able to share this journey with a like minded individual that willingly believes in the journey and me.  I have a lot of supportive friends, some of whom actually even grok me, but a partnership is lacking and does hinder my will to "fight".

Random Ponderings - 
"My lot in life has been determined by the actions I have and haven't taken. Today, I will do what I know needs to be done to accomplish what I’ve set out to achieve. I have the will and skill to fight through resistance. To understand the fears that I encounter, not run from them, and in turn, I will overcome them."

Such a nice thought... can someone lend me a backbone?  Spineless mindless jellyfish.

I feel much better physically than I have expected.  Such a nice surprise.  Emotionally I am up and down, definitely more UP than down, which is also a great surprise... however, I think my biggest issues around depression is not actually the depression, but the deep dark fears of how big, dark and ugly the next round will be.  The fear of how bad the bite from the big black dog will wound me.

Day 13 - Luck and Lady Chance

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga - 30
3. Walk - No, I am unable to walk for the next two days - BA
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for medical science.
5. Build/Create - Adventure Time
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am ambitious.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Tidy house for "guest".
10. Seek pleasure. - 4 days of J-vision
9/10

30 Day Action - Define the one thing you can do every day, no matter what, that will help you achieve your 30-day goal.

"Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible."

The one most important thing I need to do for the remaining of this challenge is to believe I am enough.  I need to commit to the 8 out of 10 things.  They are healing me.  I must always remember that I am my own worst enemy, no one is holding me back but myself, and the voices in my head.  The ugly, nasty, mean voices.

30 Day Journal Prompt(s) -
If I wasn't able to succeed in my 30-day goal what might be the biggest reason?
Fear and depression, and the voices that feed the fear and depression.   Fear is the thing that keeps me from my dreams and depression is the thing that keeps me wrapped up in darkness.

I can mitigate the risk of that happening by doing the following …
I can mitigate the risk by slowing killing off the voices with positive self talk, by reaching out to friends that grok me, and by finally taking care of myself.

Random Ponderings - Today would be a terrible day to die.  This journey has really become much less of who did what and when to me, around me, with me.... to a celebration of what I do, when and where I do it, why I do and who I am.  (Who I do, was really tempting, to say.  But again, Im much too mature to say that. See.)

Luck may not be on my side, but chance is something I can feed.

Day 12 - Distractions and Persistence

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga - 15
3. Walk - Raining all day
4. Be grateful -  I'm grateful for my depression as it helped me explain things to someone in need.
5. Build/Create - Series 17
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am calculated.  
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" -. LEGO
10. Seek pleasure. - Cub Scout dinner with M/E
9/10

30 Day Action -
Say 'no' to a pending invitation or opportunity that would get in the way of your current 30-day goal

I cant really say I have anything to say no to.  I have already decided to remove all toxic people in my life, and I have had no problems doing to.  I only have one serious obligation during this period of time, and it will not have any negative impact on my journey.  I guess I will have to commit to saying no to any of my own self-sabotaging.  

30 Day Journal Prompt(s) - I've been unable to move forward with …

I have been unable to move forward with getting rid of things that don't belong to me and also getting the random stuff in my life organised.

Unknowns that make me hesitant to proceed …
Well, sadly they are unknowns, so how could I possibly answer that???  I think this prompt was not thought out very well, however, if you are asking what is holding me back, I can only guess that my need to reach out right now to others has kept me online and visiting in real life with other people that I have mismanaged my time.  I also always have "low motivational" levels until the very last minute.  No real pressure to get these items done, so its hard to light the fire under my own ass.

One simple thing I can do now to gain clarity on the path forward … commit to moving 10 things per day.

Random Ponderings - Im easily distracted today, and I did a good deed.  Both are completely unrelated, but the good deed I did today might turn around a bite me on the ass.  I had a very interesting afternoon talk with a friend that I dont typically spend time with.  It was completely inappropriate.  I have a reoccurring thought, its not helping me on my journey at all.  I have drank 4 days in a row, funny for someone that has not bought alcohol since Christmas.  I am hiding a big part of my life from a number of people.  Im not sure why.  

Day 11 - Fear Factory and Fictitious Friends

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga - 30
3. Walk - Very short
4. Be grateful - My classroom
5. Build/Create - MASH layout
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am compassionate (even to myself).
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Dinning Room
10. Seek pleasure. - Class
9.5/10

30 Day Action - Face a fear.  Meet it with compassion and kindness.  Remind yourself the fear is only to keep you safe.  Remind yourself you are safe and let go of the fear.

30 Day Journal Prompt(s) -  
Write a note to yourself from the perspective of an unconditionally loving imaginary friend:

Dear Janey,

I can tell you have been having a bit of a rough time with depression over the past year or two.  I just wanted to write to you to let you know I think you are an amazingly strong person to keep the fight up.  I know the way you have been treated by a few select people and the truth is that you do not deserve that sort of toxic behavior being thrown in your face.  True friends do not take your life into their hands, they do not put you down for things that make you beautiful and they do not make you feel worthless.  I know there is a part of you that can still fight, and I am asking you to do so.  To continue on your journey, to fix the issues you feel are a problem, but when push comes to shove, remember this... all the personalities that you have been told are ugly or undesirable are also the personalities that let you keep fighting for what you believe in.

Your anger comes from deep passion, not the will to be hurtful.
Your sadness comes from the need to be loved, not the will to manipulate.
Your control issues come from the need to be safe, not the will to dominate.
Your fight comes from the abandonment, not the will to have an argument.
Your disagreement comes from the need to be heard, not prove someone wrong.

While you are working to tame these "ugly" parts, please do not lose yourself in the process.  If someone makes you a priority they will understand and embrace your passion, love, need to be seen and safe and abandonment fears. You deserve this in your life because you have so much to offer an other person.  Your kind soul takes care of everyone you love, you will bend over backwards for people you include in your life, that alone should be enough, but you arrive with so much more.  You bring, humour, love, talent, intelligence, emotional intelligence and support to the table, as well as a great sense of adventure, a passion for the arts, education and mental health, a drive for life long learning, and tons of sexual excitement.  Someone would be lucky to have those things brought into their life, because yes, you are enough.

Love. your friend always,
Penelope

Random Ponderings - Alcohol even in small amounts seems to give me headaches.  Are these physical reactions or do these headaches stem from stress around what alcohol means?   P.S. Writing a letter from a fictitious friend seems a bit delusional.  Not a "fan" of today's journal prompt.

Day 10 - Curiouser and Curiouser

One third complete this journey. 

1. Water - Yes

2. Yoga - 30 

3. Walk - No

4. Be grateful - I am grateful for my safety.  

5. Build/Create - No

6. Be still - Link

7. Positive - I am curious and courageous.  

8. NO junk - Yes

9. "Fix" -. Living room - part 1

10. Seek pleasure. - Afternoon/evening with K. 

8/10

30 Day Action 

3 whys - Pushing past canned surface responses.

30 Day Journal Prompt(s) -  

A recent fear that I would like to overcome… Why does this fear make me feel scared and uncomfortable?

I would like to be able to trust people.  I find it hard to trust others because I have been lied to so many times in the past.  I'm scared to trust because I want to believe in people so much that somehow when they lie I feel bad  about myself.  I feel like I have failed, or returned once again to that place of 'not being enough'.  I'm not sure why I struggle with the fact that people lie for their own reasons and it really should not make me feel bad about myself. 

Why does matter to me that I overcome this fear?

This fear is making it difficult to connect with people and accept them for who they are.  

Why have I been previously been unable to overcome this fear? 

Im not sure, I think I have overcome it numerous times however I am finding now that even it takes less of a lie, or broken commitment to stir up the bad feelings.  I believe that I have been trying to be someone that a person wouldn't want to lie to.  Feeling somewhere that if I live my life with open and shared honesty the same would be returned.  I think now I need to learn to live my life with the same open honesty but to lose any expectations of it being returned to me.  I think I need to finally realise that no matter who I am, its never going to really change, help, save or fix broken people I allow in my life.  

Random Ponderings -

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."

Responding to fear with investigation develops an awareness that favors courageous action. Each time I let go of the need to be right and stay in that vulnerable place of uncertainty, I am embracing the kind of curiosity that enables positive change to occur.

Day 9 - Vulnerability Tree

What have you struggled with most during this 30-day challenge?
I have struggled with my lack of self-worth over the last number of years, perhaps almost all my adult life.

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga - Yes
3. Walk - 7000 w/E
4. Be grateful - Thankful for creature comforts of my home.
5. Build/Create - No
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am okay being vulnerable.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Rage cleaned w/E.
10. Seek pleasure. - NSFW.
9/10

30 Day Action - https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
Today, be courageously vulnerable by openly sharing this weakness with a friend.

Today, be courageously vulnerable by openly sharing this weakness with a friend.
Today we basked in our vulnerabilities. We owned them, we dissected them, we devoured them, and regurgitated them.

30 Day Journal Prompt(s) - A weakness that I’m struggling with …

For me... the "never good enough" and the need to save others.
1. NEVER enough .... never smart enough, never beautiful enough, never talented enough, just never enough.  Its a reoccurring theme.  Its a burden.  Its the ugly voices in my head.  Its the voices of men I no longer trust.  Its the voices of my parents.  Its woven so through me its hard to know where it starts and when it stops.
2. The need to save others, not just those that are worthy of saving but event those even willing to gut me.  The over powerful need to make excuses for narcissists and psychopaths.  The naivety of believing in someone that has done nothing but lie to every single person in their lives.  The need to save them from them selves and the even more damaging need to save those that do not want to be saved.

Today, I will be courageously vulnerable by sharing my weakness with the following person…
Last night was a train wreck, but Im okay.  Prior to last night I spent a few stressful days with a friend, but only stressful to me due to my empathy for everything he is going through.  My heart is breaking for this friend because I know if he doesnt seek real help, his problems are going to be astronomical.  These few days lead to a night of just opening my soul and my vulnerable side to a completely different friend.  In the darkness I shared a part of myself that I have been avoiding, this friend did not recoil in fear or disgust yet we didnt go farther with this exchange.  I know why, yet it was somewhat unsatisfying.

Random Ponderings -  Since my trip was cut short... I ended up back at my van.  The van was locked down at my work.  Being at this parking lot, in the dark, it brought up two other times I was "stuck" in the exact same physical place.  I have left this said parking lot numerous times, tired and ready to hit home after a long day of work.  However those memories have no hold on me.  The hold is from a few specific trips where Im being brought back to my van, because Im just not enough and I need to go back to my own world.  Last night, even though that was not the reason I was returned to my van, those feeling fled into my heart.  Due to my van being locked in, had me as a temporary prisoner.  It was cold, and I struggled to sleep, but even though those memories flooded me, I did not drown in them.  I am enough.

Day 8 - Quiet Intentions

1. Water - Yes

2. Yoga - No 

3. Walk - Park w/S&T

4. Be grateful - Thankful for the silence 

5. Build/Create - No

6. Be still - Yes

7. Positive - I am capable.   

8. NO junk - Yes

9. "Fix" - Laundry, Packing for home. 
10. Seek pleasure. - Seeing the boys. 
8/10

30 Day Action - Water someone else's seed of intention.  
Dying to say "dirty" but Im much too mature for that... Been helping a few friends over the last couple of days, reminding them that they are worth it, that they are capable and they deserve better.

30 Day Journal Prompt(s) - 
Who made you feel good this week? What did they say?
I have had so much support this week, particularly around two parts of my life, the 'creative' me, and the 'friend' me.  Words have touched and healed me this week.  Words of support, admiration, thanks and some charming flirting has gone a long way in making me feel more like myself.  Or the 'self' I want to be.  Its weird, because this journey is supposed to be about loving oneself, which should not come from others, but from within.  I have to wonder why other peoples voices ring louder than our own.  That goes for the hate as well, I can hear the voices that tell me  

Random Ponderings -  So sore and tired today, chronic pain is kicking me hard.  This is resulting in a mood that seems a bit lower than it has for the last few days, but Im positive that it's just temporary.   It better be, as I will no longer tolerate pain, depression, sadness or stress controlling my ability to function.   Will re-evalutate tomorrow just to be sure. 

Day 7 - Heroic Wunderlust

1. Water - Yes

2. Yoga - 10 

3. Walk - Zoo w/S&T

4. Be grateful - Thankful for distractions 

5. Build/Create - Colouring

6. Be still - Yes

7. Positive - I am the hero of my own story.   

8. NO junk - Yes

9. "Fix" - 
10. Seek pleasure. - Zoo
9/10

30 Day Action - Hero stance and statement.  

30 Day Journal Prompt(s) -  

If my life was a movie and it started today, what would the hero do?
The hero would continue to save the world but would always remember that if the hero doesn't take care of herself, she loses all of her super powers. 

What old routines and patterns would the hero break?
The hero would stop engaging with villains and instead invest time with other heroes or heroic pursuits.  The hero would stop all self sabotaging efforts and make smart healthy choices. 

What new habits would the hero replace those old habits with?
Yoga, meditation, art therapy... feed the mind, not the body.  

Random Ponderings -  I AM the hero of my own story, BUT I can also be the villain.   I must remember to silence the villain and allow the hero to wear her cape (or wings) and remember the villains experiences have given me all the knowledge I need to succeed. 

Day 6 - Art Therapy

1. Water - Yes

2. Yoga - 30

3. Walk - Park w/S&T 3000

4. Be grateful - Thankful for J. 2.0 

5. Build/Create - Layout for BF

6. Be still - Yes

7. Positive - I will succeed

8. NO junk - Yes

9. "Fix" - Sorted
10. Seek pleasure. - Sketching
10/10

30 Day Action - Choose one metric to use that can measure the result of your 30-day goal. 

Part of my goal is to remember why I actually like myself.  To not identify by those I love or help, but to instead embrace my inner child to be the positive creative person that speaks her mind in valuable tangible emotional ways.  Measurable goal - completed creative works that share my voice.  

30 Day Journal Prompt - I have 24 days left in my 30 day goal to (insert 30 day goal) 
       I will share publicly 4 FINISHED creative works
Which means within 2 weeks, I need to (insert 2 week goal)
       To have 2 completed works  done (1 is finished already)
Which means in 1 week, I need to (insert 1 week goal)
       Complete one piece.
Which means in the next 3 days, I need to (insert 3 day goal)
       Spend all of Monday working on it. 
To hit that 3 day goal, today I need to (insert today's goal)
       Sketch plan

Random Ponderings - Art brings meaning to *my* life.  

Day 5 - Am I Enough?

1. Water - Yes

2. Yoga - 15

3. Walk - 4000

4. Be grateful - Thankful for J

5. Build/Create - Layout for BF

6. Be still - Yes

7. Positive - Struggling with this one today.  

8. NO junk - Yes

9. "Fix" - Organise photos

10. Seek pleasure. - Staying at J
9/10

30 Day Action -  Not Enough - MY Depression, Weight, Anger Management Issues, Finances, Lack of Tidiness, and Procrastination are six powerful reasons to believe I'm not good enough.  My action today is supposed to be thankful for these 'faults' as they allow me to know myself and let them go to say 'I am enough'.  This may be the first time in this journey I struggle.  I have always known my faults, and as weird as it may seem, I don't mind my depression on a whole, sometimes.  I think it's made me a better friend, supporter of mental health issues, and definitely more empathetic. I do hate the weight issues but it's something I can cope with. It's been a battle all my life, and I have gone from weight extremes many times through out my life, and weirdly being much thinner didn't change me (did not bring joy).  Finances, tidiness and procrastination are all three 'faults' that don't upset me until it's shoved in my face by someone that is supposed to love me unconditionally.  Yes, of course I would love to be more rich, tidy and more proactive, who wouldn't? I does not haunt me, as those things are just not me, it's not where my mind is focused.  I need to seek friends, family, partners that are okay with the fact that my hippy dippy tree hugging artist side doesn't sing when forced to conform to what society values.   

30 Day Journal Prompt - How would I define feeling 'enough' as it relates to me personally?

                         Why do my voices of ‘not enough’ exist? What are they trying to tell me?

                         How can I grow by spending time listening to these voices?


I'm laughing because I thought the whole point of this journey was not to listen to these negative thoughts, however, I will indulge this program and embrace these prompts.  I would say that the things that make me feel 'not enough' are the voices that haunt me. Disapproving glances, shakes of the head, 'You are a former shell of yourself' remarks from those I have chosen to be part of my life confuse me and breaks my heart.  I am a sensitive soul and I do want others to be proud of me.  I feel the core of myself has never changed, but I do change surface behaviors for others, since they are not "me" typically they result in my ultimate failure.  My depression seems to lead all my other 'bad behaviors', as when I'm down I find food soothes, anger builds, spending increases, tidiness and procrastination worsens.  Perhaps this is why these people felt I was a former shell or perhaps no one wants to love someone that is 'broken'.  Society and lovers make me feel broken and angry, and I am lucky to have a large group of friends that make me feel like I have value.  My depression should not be judged as a failure, but it is.  In my mind, it's my anger is the real issue I need to work on.  My anger hurts the people I love, and I can never say sorry enough for times I have snapped, barked, or judged someone too harshly because of it.  They feel it's directed to them, which it isn't, but I understand why they think it is. I do not know how to properly process frustration.  

I can be over sensitive and I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I will not apologise for that, nor do I think it's a fault. I wish more people were open and honest about how they feel. However I do need to speak more calmly because its always often misconstrued.  My passion scares people, they see anger when its truly not there, its heartbreak not anger.  I want to love myself enough, to really believe I am enough, and to realise that no one else needs to love me to make my life have value.  Sadly loneliness is a real enemy and will make me play make believe for far too long.  No more make believe!  I trust the wrong people, I need to be more protective of my own self worth. 

Random Ponderings -  Today's 'lesson' was not nearly as cathartic as I had hoped.  Perhaps I am already self aware, or perhaps I have not delved deep enough.  I do know I hate the 9 to 5 world, and all the suits counting stacks of money to decide everyone's worth.  My utopia is an artist commune where people just eat paint at 3 am, education and health is valued above all and being 'rich' means you have deep connections with others.  

Day 4 - Yesterday is Gone

1. Drink Water - Yes
2. Yoga - 15
3. Walk - Yes
4. Be grateful - I am grateful for my good friend E.
5. Build/Create - Layout for BF
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am present.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Packed & delivered order
10. Seek pleasure. - Meeting with a friend
Score:  10/10

"I will not allow my past fears and failures to limit the potential of who I could become today. Only this present moment, holds the opportunity for powerful life-changing action.  As I live today in the present moment, I free myself from any stress of the past and anxiety for the future."

30 Day Action - Today's action is to focus on the present.  To not allow future anxiety or past failures to be in the mind.  To only focus on what my current goal is.  Added a specific meditation for this process as well as working on the negative self talk.  I am present and I am enough.  https://intentioninspired.com/one-minute-meditation

30 Day Journal Prompt - Address a past moment that has left me feeling powerless or afraid.
Moments in the past that have left me feeling powerless or afraid tend to always be about three things, Firstly, when I am losing myself to be something else someone else needs or wants.  And more so, the failing of becoming that person. Secondly, the paralyzing fear of my own depression and how it can get a hold of me, but even more so, how it effects others around me.  Lastly, a fear of trust because of the lies that have been told.

Random Ponderings - As Im working through this process I am starting to see that there are many other areas of my life Im willing or wanting to change, or at least tweak.  I am nervous to add too many changes at one, so I will leave this link for my future self to check out again.

Day 3 - Looking in the Mirror

1. Drink Water - Yes
2. Yoga - No, hormones have my back enraged.  Tub soak instead.
3. Walk - In the yard, didnt make it far, but enjoyed the flowers.
4. Be grateful - I am grateful for my hobby.
5. Build/Create - Doodled
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am enough.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Cleaned mosaic aftermath.
10. Seek pleasure. - Posted my latest creative effort and smiled with every positive comment.
Score:  9/10

"My capacity to confidently charge forward relies solely on my ability to know who I am, and who I want to be. Through self-awareness, I can begin to leverage my strengths and accept my weaknesses. This deeper understanding helps me mindfully manage emotional reactions and skillfully navigate challenging situations."

30 Day Action - Be self aware.  Ask friends to define your best and worst qualities.
I asked two people this question, this is what they said...
My best quality is my resilience, my ability to support and empathize, and my worst quality is pessimism and that anger too quickly and too deeply.  I feel these are pretty fair assessments of who I am.

30 Day Journal Prompt - One of my greatest strengths has always been …​
                                        One of my greatest weaknesses that I acknowledge …

One of my greatest strengths has always been to read people, to feel what they are going through, to help them speak out about their hidden self.  ​Empathy.  I feel I am a good friend, very loyal and dependable.  I feel like I support my friends through their journeys and that I am genuinely happy for their successes.

One of my greatest weaknesses that I acknowledge is expecting too much from others.  I have high expectations that are probably unrealistic.  This is what leads me into anger with others and the feeling of disappointment,  I usually internalize these feeling into not feeling worthy of someones effort or not feeling like I am good enough.  I also interrupt entirely too much, and I should realize that is a huge sign of being disrespectful to others.

Random Ponderings - The feedback I received from my "you are..." mosaic reminds me that this a journey I walk alone, but never am truly alone.  People are surviving this battle every day and when people speak or reach out, using the arts as a conduit, the result is touching and soul soothing.

Day 2 - Rhythm and Blues

1. Drink Water - Yes
2. Yoga - 15
3. Walk - To school with Alex.
4. Be grateful - I am grateful for my children, and I am proud of the MEN they have become.
5. Build/Create - Mosaic
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am committed.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Packed Orders. Transcripts.
10. Seek pleasure. - Tea with Friend
Score:  10/10

30 Day Action - Be accountable.
I will hold myself accountable to completing these 30 days by not only stating it here, also by committing to completing 8 out 10 things on my "To Do" list, and setting a no travelling penalty if I do.  If I do not complete this journey, no WDW or southern trip for 2017.  I am hoping the repetitive nature of doing these steps, many of which I am putting into my morning rituals will set long term habits.

30 Day Journal Prompt - Staying committed to my goal is important to me because...?
Well in its purist form, if I dont prove to myself I am worth it, how would I ever expect anyone else to believe it. Putting myself first is something I have never been focused on and I already can see positive results, even with my current raging hormones.  However I have a great history of setting rhythms that play into the "blues"... avoiding others and the world by sleeping or zoning out or pushing people away.  I make it easy to not love me, therefore when you dont, I get exactly what I expected.  I dont have much more to say about why this goal is important, only because I have always know it to be true and its what has held me back for year.  Its putting the goal actions into motion that are the focus and have often been my failing.  I agree that setting a "punishment" may be effective, however I feel that goes against the "positive" vibe, so I am also setting myself a reward.  Downtown Disney guilt free extravagant purchase.

Random Ponderings - Im quick to anger, that can and has adversely affected relationships I care about.  Many times the emotion is correctly warranted but the intensity is way more than it should be, or needs to be.  Its off putting to others and this flaw needs to be addressed, however for today, its being put on a back shelf, as I believe self care must come first.  ​

Day 1 - Talisman's Intentions.

1. Drink Water - Yes
2. Yoga - Yes
3. Walk - 6500
4. Be grateful - I am grateful for my Mother, she gave me everything she could.
5. Build/Create - No
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am brave.
8. NO junk - Piece of Mother's Day Cake
9. "Fix" - Sorted Lego
10. Seek pleasure. - Spent the day with my boys.
Score: 9/10

30 Day Action -  Set a talisman; Inspire its intentions.
I am using a simple silver bracelet as my talisman.  It's something I rarely wear, so committing to wear it for the 30 days will be a physical reminder as well as a mental prompt to keep its intention fresh in my mind.  This bracelet's intention is to live again on my terms, embrace each step of this journey with wanderlust and excitement.  This talisman reminds me that my story isn't over yet.

30 Day Journal Prompt - What was the seed that inspired you to start this challenge?
I feel broken.  There is a tiny part of me, buried under regret, sadness, guilt, feelings of worthlessness, other people lies and broken promises that wants to break free. The quest to feel pure joy by just being yourself, and by being okay to be just by yourself.

Freedom from Myself

Welcome as I document my failures and successes of my "To Do" list  and the 30 Days of Brave Challenge

Today is "DAY O" and I am scared to death, but also hopeful.  I have not been hopeful for a long time, four years long actually, perhaps longer.  I am in the ending stages of my latest bout of depression that started Sept 2016, yep it is May, now.  Counting on my fingers that tells me that depression stole a good portion of the last 9 months. Things got particularly dark with my health and depression by November, which basically could have been the end of my life.  I have spiked up and down and fought other health and personal issues since January which has brought me here, to today.

Today I managed to do everything on my "To Do" list.  Yay - 10/10

To someone not struggling with mental health that may not seem like a real accomplishment, however, for myself, getting out of my space is not easy.  This will be the last time I "apologise" for that. My depression is emotionally paralyzing and my own health is always the first thing I neglect.  Work, commitments, other peoples needs and  almost every other distraction comes first.  I'm no martyr though, I often get angry and frustrated with what people expect from me and then become over sensitive and hurt by their demands and expectations or lack of reciprocation.

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga - 30 minutes
3. Walk - 5000 steps
4. Grateful - I told my sister I love her.  She lives very far away and I admire her and her wisdom.
5. Create - Mosaic
6. Be still - I adore Cole Chance.  Her story and yoga vibe resonates with me.  If you are looking for your first try at meditation I would suggest her "Be Still".  Be patient with yourself and the process.

7. Positive - I am ready to forgive myself. 

8. NO junk - Yes
9. Fix - Totes, organised some brick
10. Pleasure - Music

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and the first day of the 30 Days of Brave.

To Do

30 Day "To Do" list

Come up with a list of 10 things YOU (you personally) can do to improve your mood.
Be accountable for it, score it, daily.  No calling it a night unless you have a 8/10.
Yours may vary... but here is mine.

1. Drink Water - (No coffee until first glass of water is done!)
2. Yoga - (First thing upon waking, before bath, internet or any other distractions.)
3. Walk - (100 steps or 10,000 - get out of your space and move.)
4. Be grateful for someone or thing. (State it out loud, if its a person, let them know one simple reason why you value them, I will add them in my posts.)
5. Build/Create (Paint, draw, sing, make, tinker, build, doodle, play...)
6. Be still (aka Meditation)
7. Positive self talk (Kill the critic in your mind that tells you all those nasty lies)
8. Take in NO junk  (This means fat, candy, jerks, users, or whatever is causing you stress)
9. "Fix" one tiny tiny tiny little thing.  Or bigger things if you are up to it.  (Be it a loose screw, dirty dishes, broken relationships...)
10. Seek pleasure. (This can be self massage, sex, curl up with a book or movie, dancing it out, going out, smelling the flowers...)

To die would be an awfully big adventure.

Why am I here?  
Why am I reaching out?  
Because I am fighting for my life and hoping my journey can help yours too. 

I am desperately miserable and I am tired of pretending everything is okay.  Yes I have tried the drugs, and some reports say they are effective in less than 50% of people, so please don't think drugs help everyone.  As for myself, there is no more saying I'm "fine" because there is nothing fine about hiding depression.  Mental illness shaming is not okay and I will no longer allow the fear of humiliation make me remain silent. 

These are my top five issues which play a huge factor of my depression, but they are subject to change as I work through this process. 

1. I'm fat because I'm trying to fill a void in my life and I don't put my own health first.
2. I'm lonely because I have given too much of myself to businesses, organizations and people that never gets acknowledged, and because people make promises they never intend on keeping. 
3. I'm sad from caring about people that do not have the ability or desire to make me a priority, and from living in a place where we don't value education, arts and health as much as we value prosperity and instant gratification.   
4. I'm frustrated by my repetitive inability to recognize the narcissists, psychopaths, and those lacking empathy before I let them into my heart and trust them with my secrets. 
5. I'm angry due to poorly managed chronic pain and the lack of decent health care available to me. 

Something has to change.
I guess that's ME! 

Peace out.

I told you what hurts me the most,
and then you did it.

You became everything
you said you wouldn't be.

You promised to keep me safe, 
then screamed you cant take care of me. 

You lied, often... and well, 
yet I am the one that is broken.

I miss the old, happy, hippy me.
I'm off to find her.

Seeking a new friend to walk with me.
One that doesnt play long cons. 

Journey home.

It appears that all my posts from years gone have vanished into the universe, sort of sad but also cathartic.  However, I have something to say or more importantly do, so I will start again.  

This year has been the hardest of my life, by far.  I have struggled with depression for years, on and off, and it has taken a terrible toll on the people I love. For that I am truly sorry.  Some of them had stood by me but most have not.  Some of them will never forgive me, so it is time I forgive myself.  I'm hoping that sharing my story will help at least one person.  More than likely, it will only save me.  I need to focus on myself, living for myself, and frankly, avoiding living in other peoples shadows.  Sharing this is not easy nor brave, its terrifying.