Day 17 - You win some, you lose some.

Today's email came with the words "some days are harder than others" in the subject line, and all I can reply to that is "no kidding"... today knocked me down and didnt even wait for the count before calling victory on the whole day.  I guess death of a love one does that, but I found myself curled up in bed in the middle of the day for 3 hours.  Thats the first time during this challenge I have allowed my emotions to win, but today Im going to give myself a pass, I needed to grieve, and grieve I did. 

Luckily I did a bit of my list before I learned of his passing.  

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga - 30
3. Walk - No
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for my old friend/lover and thankful for the time I had him in my life.
5. Build/Create - No
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am progressing.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Dishes.
10. Seek pleasure. - Bubble bath and friends support
8/10 

Brave Act - 

Let your brave muscle repair and strengthen by reflecting and appreciating the daily small wins you've been accomplishing.

"Sometimes I feel like when I take one step forward, I end up falling two steps back. What’s important in this situation is that I don't let these setbacks deter me from staying course and moving forward. I must remember that life moves in waves and it’s okay to have bad days, as long as I get back up and keep pressing ahead."

 

Today's Journal Prompts -

 

A recent moment that left me feeling scared and discouraged …

Both today and Day 15 left me feeling scared and discouraged because I lost my focus and had problems not just collapsing under the emotional strain. 

Reflecting on this moment, I see now that I grew from this challenging situation in the following way … I learned that tomorrow is yet another day, and the best you can do is get a good nights sleep and start fresh yet again in the morning.  That is just what Im going to do, once I hit publish.  

My Random Ponderings...

 An extended post of what I wrote on FB 

I just heard about an ex boyfriend's death on facebook.  He was a "current friend & beloved secret keeper" and I just confided in him last night, about this journey and about some crazy new revelations.... and now he is gone. Talk about life jarring events.  I am in utter shock.  I feel for his family, his new wife, his grown kids, his brother, and all his extended family, work mates, etc.  

I'm absolutely gutted and heartbroken and mad for myself as well. 

My thoughts - You were a great man, that taught me that love does not come in a perfect little box wrapped in a bow. That sometimes letting go is an act of love and sometimes holding on, means holding back. I will never forget the amazing times we spent together.  You are clearly loved by many, but I know you and I knew what made you tick, and I know what we shared was short but deep, and meant something to both of us.  I do not doubt that I left a mark on your life as you have left one on mine.  I will never look at art the same way, or anti-art black canvas the same way, and I certainly will never look at a doorway the same way either.  I have never had a better art gallery companion, and our private life was pretty great too, at least all the moments we were able to steal away.  Im soooo glad I was right that one night and years later you had to confess it to me, because there were so many times you were right as well and I would hate to think that the old man had one over on this young-en all the time.  You changed my thinking and made me feel like my opinions and decisions were worthy.  You debated and charmed me, and you rocked my world.  My dream to live in the south plays partly on your southern charms and our southern adventures.  I regret that I will never hear the barely intelligible twang you had  I will never forget your art, your laugh, the eye twinkle and the way you touched my soul.  

This day I will grieve, this shot of whiskey, these tears, of saying good bye then and now,... they are all for you, and all you gave me. 

I know my tears will make you mad, but give me just one day. 

Tomorrow... as humour was your greatest gift and greatest weapon... tomorrow I will laugh.  I promise. 

I will focus on the fun, the silly, crazy, good times, the laughter tummy aches, and happy tears of release.  My mind is rushing with thoughts, the flood, the plane you were never going to make - then magically were there, the mill damn, the stench of snicks disgustingly rotting food, the banana yellow track suit, the art galleries, the popup, breaking the popup, fixing the popup, the heat, the sweat from the unbearable heat, the diner, the other diner, all the diners, the freshly cleaned port-a-potty, the car wash, snicks muddy foot prints on my ass as I nearly fell in the river, and all the other insane mishaps we shared.  

But give me today to focus on my heart and our lifelong friendship based on the result of a simple touch in the middle of some random night. Not many are aware of our journey, my children never got to meet you, nor I yours, but today when 

I said good-bye to you on FB, your brother put a heart there and I know its because he knew what we shared, somehow it helped.  How proud you would be of how people spoke of you today, you touched so many and you were loved.  

Rest well my friend, know that you did everything you could, for me, and all those you cared about. I love you forever and forever it will be.  Say good night Gracie.