1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga - 15
3. Walk - 4000
4. Be grateful - Thankful for J
5. Build/Create - Layout for BF
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - Struggling with this one today.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Organise photos
10. Seek pleasure. - Staying at J
9/10
9/10
30 Day Action - Not Enough - MY Depression, Weight, Anger Management Issues, Finances, Lack of Tidiness, and Procrastination are six powerful reasons to believe I'm not good enough. My action today is supposed to be thankful for these 'faults' as they allow me to know myself and let them go to say 'I am enough'. This may be the first time in this journey I struggle. I have always known my faults, and as weird as it may seem, I don't mind my depression on a whole, sometimes. I think it's made me a better friend, supporter of mental health issues, and definitely more empathetic. I do hate the weight issues but it's something I can cope with. It's been a battle all my life, and I have gone from weight extremes many times through out my life, and weirdly being much thinner didn't change me (did not bring joy). Finances, tidiness and procrastination are all three 'faults' that don't upset me until it's shoved in my face by someone that is supposed to love me unconditionally. Yes, of course I would love to be more rich, tidy and more proactive, who wouldn't? I does not haunt me, as those things are just not me, it's not where my mind is focused. I need to seek friends, family, partners that are okay with the fact that my hippy dippy tree hugging artist side doesn't sing when forced to conform to what society values.
30 Day Journal Prompt - How would I define feeling 'enough' as it relates to me personally?
Why do my voices of ‘not enough’ exist? What are they trying to tell me?
How can I grow by spending time listening to these voices?
I'm laughing because I thought the whole point of this journey was not to listen to these negative thoughts, however, I will indulge this program and embrace these prompts. I would say that the things that make me feel 'not enough' are the voices that haunt me. Disapproving glances, shakes of the head, 'You are a former shell of yourself' remarks from those I have chosen to be part of my life confuse me and breaks my heart. I am a sensitive soul and I do want others to be proud of me. I feel the core of myself has never changed, but I do change surface behaviors for others, since they are not "me" typically they result in my ultimate failure. My depression seems to lead all my other 'bad behaviors', as when I'm down I find food soothes, anger builds, spending increases, tidiness and procrastination worsens. Perhaps this is why these people felt I was a former shell or perhaps no one wants to love someone that is 'broken'. Society and lovers make me feel broken and angry, and I am lucky to have a large group of friends that make me feel like I have value. My depression should not be judged as a failure, but it is. In my mind, it's my anger is the real issue I need to work on. My anger hurts the people I love, and I can never say sorry enough for times I have snapped, barked, or judged someone too harshly because of it. They feel it's directed to them, which it isn't, but I understand why they think it is. I do not know how to properly process frustration.
I can be over sensitive and I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I will not apologise for that, nor do I think it's a fault. I wish more people were open and honest about how they feel. However I do need to speak more calmly because itsalways often misconstrued. My passion scares people, they see anger when its truly not there, its heartbreak not anger. I want to love myself enough, to really believe I am enough, and to realise that no one else needs to love me to make my life have value. Sadly loneliness is a real enemy and will make me play make believe for far too long. No more make believe! I trust the wrong people, I need to be more protective of my own self worth.
Random Ponderings - Today's 'lesson' was not nearly as cathartic as I had hoped. Perhaps I am already self aware, or perhaps I have not delved deep enough. I do know I hate the 9 to 5 world, and all the suits counting stacks of money to decide everyone's worth. My utopia is an artist commune where people just eat paint at 3 am, education and health is valued above all and being 'rich' means you have deep connections with others.
I'm laughing because I thought the whole point of this journey was not to listen to these negative thoughts, however, I will indulge this program and embrace these prompts. I would say that the things that make me feel 'not enough' are the voices that haunt me. Disapproving glances, shakes of the head, 'You are a former shell of yourself' remarks from those I have chosen to be part of my life confuse me and breaks my heart. I am a sensitive soul and I do want others to be proud of me. I feel the core of myself has never changed, but I do change surface behaviors for others, since they are not "me" typically they result in my ultimate failure. My depression seems to lead all my other 'bad behaviors', as when I'm down I find food soothes, anger builds, spending increases, tidiness and procrastination worsens. Perhaps this is why these people felt I was a former shell or perhaps no one wants to love someone that is 'broken'. Society and lovers make me feel broken and angry, and I am lucky to have a large group of friends that make me feel like I have value. My depression should not be judged as a failure, but it is. In my mind, it's my anger is the real issue I need to work on. My anger hurts the people I love, and I can never say sorry enough for times I have snapped, barked, or judged someone too harshly because of it. They feel it's directed to them, which it isn't, but I understand why they think it is. I do not know how to properly process frustration.
I can be over sensitive and I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I will not apologise for that, nor do I think it's a fault. I wish more people were open and honest about how they feel. However I do need to speak more calmly because its
Random Ponderings - Today's 'lesson' was not nearly as cathartic as I had hoped. Perhaps I am already self aware, or perhaps I have not delved deep enough. I do know I hate the 9 to 5 world, and all the suits counting stacks of money to decide everyone's worth. My utopia is an artist commune where people just eat paint at 3 am, education and health is valued above all and being 'rich' means you have deep connections with others.
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