Day 31? - Path of mental stability

The Path of Mental Stability - aka What I learned in 30 days.

When a journey starts with an emotionally invalidating home environment, with narcissism, psychotic or emotion neglectful parenting, it leads to very little self awareness or skills of how to cope with your emotions.  The self destruction will begin young, often manifesting itself in taking dangerous personal risks, promiscuity, seeking inappropriate partners or becoming emotionally distant, while all along, the craving or deep desire for emotional validation mounts.  The need for acceptance and unconditional love isn't a cliche, to an empathetic soul its needed for survival.  

Without acceptance a poor balance of mental health results in terrifying feelings around self worth and overwhelming destructive levels of self doubt.  It also creates a self fulfilling prophecy to choose partners that do not have the ability to validate, connect or to even show love by their actions.  Choosing the emotionally stunted or withdrawn, the narcissists or even worse. the psychopath because it feels recognizable and identifiable.  There is a sick comfort in the pain. There is almost a need to choose them because part of your struggle is wanting to not crave the emotional stability and almost an admiration for their ability to apparently live a happy and fulfilling life with a totally void emotional intelligence or quotient.  You are attracted by their strength, sometimes you envy their non emotional asshole-like behaviours and you sometimes even attempt to emulate them. 

Since you are actually trying to be something you are not, there is an entire internal struggle that still seeks the emotional validation.  This battle, often manifests itself in your personality being emotionally charged or becoming distraught extremely fast.  An uncontrollable force drives you to express your emotions in a intense, overly dramatic, or destructive ways.  Often it takes you longer time than most to calm down and often if the invalidating of your emotions continues, the rage can spiral out of control.  Thus creating the never ending circle of the emotionally invalidating environment by literally terrifying or alienating the people around you from giving you exactly what you need. 

Eventually the levy will break, causing the relationship to end... and if treatment is not sought or put in place, another relationship will fill the void.  Cycling over and over. And over.  

To break the cycle a new road must be taken, a road of self love and discovery, a road of acceptance of ones own emotions, a validation reached through ones own self worth instead of seeking it from others.  This road is a terrifying, demanding, exhausting but an extremely rewarding journey.  

Step 1. Begin a process of stopping your own destructive behaviours.  Starting with "emotion regulation" which is the ability to accept, enhance or reduce emotions as needed.  Accepting emotions means also accepting that emotions will change and to embrace those changes.  We have to accept that any emotion is fleeting, from mere moments to hours, it is a relatively short-term condition; we will not always be feeling that emotions. This goes for every type of emotion, from fear to anxiety and happiness to sadness. 

Step 2. Recognize that while emotions are fleeting, you can feed them to keep them alive longer with self talk.  Of course negative self talk is going to keep the spiraling anger or fear alive, the same is true with happiness.  Gratitude is the best way to feed the happy side.  

Step 3. Allow yourself to fail.  Move on from it having learned the lesson, but without focusing on the failure.  Guilt and self loathing for failure will keep you in a failing cycle.  Picking yourself up and dusting yourself off, accept the mistake, state clearly how you will avoid that mistake in the future and get right back on the right path.  

Step 4. Take ownership of your journey and make time to love yourself.  Decide to take healthy steps and make fulfilling decisions that feel right to your core being. While you are getting your own house in order make sure you have the right people in your life, from family, to friends and partners.  If any of these people make you feel bad about who you are, how you live, or why you feel what you are feeling, then its time to pack your bags and move on.  Now, not later, not maybe, not soon... but right now!  You are worth it.  

Step 5, Achieving mindfulness, live in the moment, stop regretting the past and stop worrying about the future. Control, experience and love the moment.  Right now, this second.  As emotions are fleeting, so is time.  Do not waste another moment on hating yourself.  You are more than enough and know that there are people that truly believe that.

I got this.

I am also starting this today.... just for fun.  Smile.

http://loveandmarriageblog.com/30-day-de-clutter-challenge/

Day 30 - The end is just the beginning.

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  15
3. Walk - Park. River. Trestle.
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful I completed this challenge to the level I wanted to.
5. Build/Create - Finished Bridge
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am mindful of my choices and my actions.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Tidying
10. Seek pleasure - Dinner with A2
10/10

Brave Act -

Reward yourself with something nice. Really nice. You've earned it.

LEGO Carousel seems like a nice reward, thank you me.

I challenged myself, I took action, I put in the time, I stepped out of my comfort zone, I took risks, I felt vulnerable, and I accomplished what I set out to do. It is not easy facing fears, and the journey will never truly be over, but I have built a solid foundation and will continue putting in the hard work because I am worth and my boys deserve for me to set the best example for them.

Journal Prompts - 

What was the most insightful thing you learned about yourself in the past 30 days?

I learned that I need to take care of myself.  First most and forth right.  All other things will work themselves out.

How have you noticed your brave training empower others around you to be brave too? 

I have not noticed this, sadly.  Many people I know have been struggling a lot as of late.  This journey, although life changing, is only for someone that is ready to make radical changes, and those in my life right now that are struggling are not quite there yet.  On the other hand, this journey really did open up lines of communication with A2

What is one thing that you are going incorporate into your daily routine to help you live a brave, bold life? 

4 things actually.  Mediation, water, yoga and walking.  The walking may be a challenge when winter hits, and I despise tread mills, so I am installing a training bag just to keep active and perhaps a stationary bike.

Day 29 - Light at the end of the tunnel

One more day... I think I can, I think I can.

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  60
3. Walk - Park. River. Trestle. Sleep Shop. Hanover By Pass
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for my life turning around.
5. Build/Create - Sketching in "Pick Me Up"
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am woman, hear me ROAR.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Cut grass
10. Seek pleasure - Coffee date
10/10

Brave Act

Reach out to a friend whom you've lost touch. Ask them how they've grown and try to pinpoint what the real driving force for their action to change was.

I asked a friend that recently got sober... their answer was so simple I thought they were understating it, until I saw the look in their eyes.  "It was a matter of life or death."

I think we all hit a "rock bottom" of sorts, late 2016 was mine.  I can never go back to that depth, every again.  Growling, digging in, planting feet firmly, leaning forward, "Im here and I am enough. come with me or get the hell out of my way" because I have only one direction, FORWARD.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow."

Journal Prompts

What do I notice starting to compound into something greater that would have been impossible for me to see a month ago?  
Two simple things hit me with this question, water and walking.  These two items are making me more healthy.  I used to actually hate water... 29 days later Im craving it and no longer wanting the case of coke that is sitting in the fridge.  Walking is getting easier every day.  Going farther, faster, with less effort.  My only fear is weather... I can do the rain but come late fall, Im not sure I can brave the snow.  Im going to have to come up with an alternate plan for then.

What might happen if I stayed committed towards this growth for another 30 days?
Im not sure this is a "might"... I think I must.  I will back off of some of the 10 "demands" only because they almost start to feel like nagging....  but the yoga, water, and walking has to stay.  It has to be as natural and habitual as brushing my teeth or my morning coffee.

Day 28 - Amazing Race

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  30
3. Walk - Park. River. Trestle.
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for my summer vacation.
5. Build/Create - Tree Bridge.
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am changing.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Errands, new clothes.
10. Seek pleasure - Rock Lobster
10/10

Brave Act

Ask someone who knows you well,
"What is the biggest change you have noticed most in me lately?"

They said: You are happy, smiling and a tad insane, like the women I used to know.

"Change can be beautiful when we are brave enough to evolve with it, and change can be brutal when we fearfully resist.

Life is always changing; I am always changing. Remembering this gives me comfort and confidence for whatever the day may hold. I drift smoothing through those changes, good and bad. When things get stormy, I take comfort knowing this too shall pass and any current pain will subside. When good things drift away from me, I take comfort knowing better things await on the journey ahead.

Journal Prompts

Reflecting back a month, I have changed in the following way …
In one month, .... well honestly almost everything has changed.  My activity level is completely different, eating habits have completely changed, but mostly my confidence is returning, and I have found my inner child again.  Building, dancing, laughing.

Looking a month ahead, I expect to change in the following way …
I would be completely satisfied if I could just continue with all the changes I have made in the last month.  Want to negotiate with the list, and allow myself coffee before drinking a bottle of water in the morning... however in all honesty, all the rest seems to be working.  I would like to see the creative side crank up, but considering we are just one full month out from BF... well I just dont think its realistic.  However, there is no reason I cant continue with all the rest of things on the list.  After Day 30, I will stop recording it, just because it makes for boring journaling.

Random Ponderings

Today was the day I volunteered run the LEGO Amazing Race event challenge.  I was prepared for 200, was told to expect 120.... but in reality, we only had around 30 people (or 9 teams).  Considering I drove the whole way there, I decided to run an impromptu build for the random kids in the mall and the store.  It was a good way to take a craptastic situation into a super positive experience.  Sort of par for the course of what Im trying to achieve with this challenge.

Day 27 - Wonder Woman

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  15
3. Walk - No
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful friends that help.
5. Build/Create - Bridge with Mounties
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am confident.
8. NO junk - Nope, popcorn and pop, at movies.
9. "Fix" - Finished sets for BF
10. Seek pleasure - Wonder Woman movie.
8/10

Brave Act

Answer every question that is asked of you today with a confident 'YES' or 'NO'.
This isnt really a problem for me, I easily answer questions confidently.  I think backing off and perhaps remembering to let others answer occasionally should have been my task... but since it wasnt, I got this one down pat.

Journal Prompt

What can I do today to act my way into more self-confidence?
Since any of my self-confidence issues tend to be more related to body image, standing taller without slouching is probably a good way to start... as well as throwing away clothes I dont feel great wearing. A tad bit of lipstick seems to be doing the trick lately and continuing to eat healthy has been a big boost as well.

Day 26 - Eustressed??? Nice try 30 day.

eu·stress

yo͞oˈstres/

noun

1. moderate or normal psychological stress interpreted as being beneficial for the person experiencing it

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  30
3. Walk - River to trestle.
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for completed work.
5. Build/Create - Poppy
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am happy.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Sets & Bags for BF
10. Seek pleasure - House guest J
10/10

Random Pondering

You cant just add "ed" to any word you want 30 day Challenge.  Meh.  Whatever.

Brave Act 

Condition yourself to be more okay with discomfort by intentionally doing something goofy or unusual.

"Discomfort is very much part of my master plan."

In order to get something I don’t have, or go somewhere I’ve never been, I have to do something I’ve never done. Which is why I’m willing to step outside my comfort zone and do things that make me feel uncomfortable. As I condition myself to master my fear of discomfort in small doses, I notice my comfort zone slowly expand to include discomfort. I grin in discomfort knowing that’s the indicator that my brave muscles are being stretched and growing.

Journal Prompts

What types of stress has made me stronger? Fear of running out of time, magically turns the procrastination off and allows work to get completed.

How can I invite more healthy stress into my life to replace unhealthy stress? Stress doesn't need invited, it comes, like the sun in the morning and the darkness each night.  However, I think the real question here is "How can I get rid of unhealthy stress"... and the answer is simple.  Remove people from my world that truly cause me unhappiness.  Those that are constantly angry or those that judge everyone else without ever looking in the mirror.  This will mean people that think my vision or my way is ridiculous instead of okay need to leave.  I don't need them to buy into my way, but just understand that we all get to the final destination, the route doesn't matter.

Day 25 - Resilience? Bring it on!

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  15
3. Walk - Yes. but short.
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for my classroom
5. Build/Create - M*A*S*H  (last day)
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am resilient.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Build Room
10. Seek pleasure - Teaching
10/10

This project has been fun... its nearly done and now 

packed up for the event... still needs some details

that will be built on site.  More pictures to follow. 

Brave Act 

Put extra high priority on your health today. Be it physical, mental, or spiritual, whatever has been neglected most. Give it the attention you know it needs.
Health is the foundation for maintaining resilience.

I can plan and prepared day after day, but I can't always dodge the setbacks of life’s uncertainties. What’s important is when life gets me up against the rope, I will not give up, I will not give in. If it were easy, everyone would be doing it. I will stand my ground and remember why I set out on this brave adventure in the first place. I will take a breath, look forward, and say "Bring it on.”

Journal Prompts

What is the cost and risk if I don’t take action on my 30-Day Goal? 
Simply - Health, self worth and relationship damage.

Random Ponderings 

Truly KNOW that what other people think of me, is totally not my business.

Day 24 - Is that the BS answer?

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  15
3. Walk - Yes - To E/To River
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for silence.
5. Build/Create - Pride
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am persistent.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Emptied van, refilled van.
10. Seek pleasure - Baby snuggles.
10/10

Freedom to be yourself.  Period.  

Brave Act 

Commit to 3 persistent asks. Next time you get a 'no', ask again. And again. Then ask at least one more time.

I have asked once.  I will ask one more time, after one piece of business is taken care of.  Then I will make an open offer one more time.

As I come face-to-face with my fears, I embrace why I decided to face them in the first place. Holding that vision in mind fuels me to act boldly and press on. I don't always get far, but that doesn't really matter. What does matters is that I don't turn around because fighting through the hard times is when I grow the most. I will put in the work and hit it with all I've got.

Journal Prompts

A recent moment I felt like giving up, but didn’t:
I recent moment when I felt like giving up is when progress that had taken 2 weeks was lost in 4 days.  Its hard to watch the steps back but I am determined to keep the prize in focus.  Digging in my heals.  Want my grown boys to know their Mum was strong, not weak and a fighter, not a victim.  I take inspiration from Oma.  I have strong women around me but she kicks all their asses.

What was it that pulled me forward despite the urge to quit?
Re-found pride and my desire to show the few people that really matter to me that life can be ok even with mental heath issues.  Wanting my boys to be proud.   I have a fear that I might have brought my children putting a tad bit focus on them respecting, honouring and caring for others that I forgot to teach them that they have to be their own biggest advocate.  Self love will be taught through example.

Day 23 - Literally and figuratively

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  45
3. Walk - Yes - Trestle walk with A2
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for having the nerve to tell A2
5. Build/Create - Mash
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am risky.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Nope
10. Seek pleasure - A2
9/10

Brave Act

Approach someone who intimidates you and give them a compliment.
I did this, the compliment back fired, however his reaction. I can assume is of small consequences to the process.

My life is created by the risks I take. So I will never regret taking action because it’s what has molded me into who I have become.

Journal Prompts

An area in my life I need to take more calculated risks …  
Work.  The answer is that simple.
However, I also know that I need to take less calculated risks with my heart, literally and figuratively.

How does not taking action toward my 30-day goal affect me and the people I care about?
A2 needs me to do this, and I want to do it for him and myself, to show him there is life with mental health and it can be joyous.

Day 22 - A day of profound changes

This post was brought to you by the letter G - and the number 27

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  Half hour
3. Walk - Yes - 3 hour mud hike with B & A2
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for what being grateful actually brings.
5. Build/Create - MOC
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am freed.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Chores around the house.
10. Seek pleasure - Family
10/10

Brave Act

Today, set 3 gratitude alarms to go off at random times during today. As they alarm, stop whatever it is your doing and bring to mind 3 things you’re grateful for in that moment :)
12:30 pm - Grateful for a strong back, Grateful for the pain in my arm from the bullwhip, and Grateful  A2 showed up before B,
4:30 pm - Grateful B was kind, responsible, respectful and honest.  Grateful we took the closed trail.  Grateful we did not die a horrible and painful death while landsliding.
10:30 pm - Grateful for long evening talks with A2, Grateful for a lovely dinner, Grateful most of the wood is gone.

Something today clicked with the anger...
There was a moment that just would have typically set me off  but magically did not, Not because I bite my tongue, or swallowed my words, but when I was in the moment I made a choice to search for the positives and humour in the situation.  I typically would have been very pissed and has some reaction between biting sarcasm and a full out fight... however my gratitude instead ended up in me receiving an apology and then a collective and supportive ownership from all parties.  Blew my fricking mind.

"When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears."  At least it sure did today.  Im going to actively try to put this into day to day life.  If I can keep it in the forefront of my mind, I believe it will have profound effects.

Journal Prompts 

Something I can see in my environment that brings me joy … 
Typically this answer would be perennials I have nurtured, but.... today the mud on the very long trail brought me joy.  And on a few near wipe outs B held my covered in mud hands so I would be safe, and A2 was so caring it literally brought tears to my eyes.

A recent coincidence that left me with a smile … 
You got wood.  This damn tree and the people its brought across my front lawn.  Too funny for words, too weird to explain.  Thank you tall and mighty tree, for you brought me more joy laying dead on my lawn than you ever did shading my front yard.  

A person I am blessed to have in my life right now … 
A1 and A2 - I would not have made it through this year without the input, love, support, understanding, wisdom and comfort of these two wonderful men.

Random Ponderings - As I looked at the pros and cons... I have decided that one meeting with G was more than enough to quell this midlife crisis.  It was exciting and exhilarating and I truly felt like I was 17 again.  Sadly its a ticking time bomb, and the blow out could be the biggest mess I have ever been in.  I have played with fire, and won, but I am not willing to play with my life.  

Broken Toy

I read this today and Im leaving it here for reference....

"A psychopath is an addict. He is addicted to power. His power is acquired by gaining access to our emotions. He is keenly aware of this and needs to constantly test to make sure we are still under his control. He needs to know that we are still eager to do his bidding, make him happy and avoid his wrath. He needs to create drama so he can experience the power of manipulating our emotions. As with any addiction, it is exhilarating to the psychopath when he gets his supply of emotional responses. The more times he experiences a reward for his dramatic behavior, the more addicted he becomes. Conversely, when the reward stops coming, he becomes agitated. He experiences oppressive boredom and he will counter it by creating more drama. If we stay the course and show no emotions, the psychopath will eventually decide that his toy is broken. It doesn’t squirt emotions when he squeezes it anymore! Most likely, he will slither away to find a new toy."

Day 21 - Intentions

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  Half hour
3. Walk - Yes
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for R.
5. Build/Create - Song Lyrics
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am humble.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - BF.
10. Seek pleasure. - Short meeting with G
10/10

Brave Act -

Be vulnerably brave to ask someone for help that has already done what you're trying to do.  "We should be inspired by people... who show that human beings can be kind, brave, generous, beautiful, strong-even in the most difficult circumstances."

Journal Prompts -

I would like more guidance in the following area: Employment options after BF
Someone who I can reach out to today to ask for help with this:

A

Owen Sound & Area Family YMCA Employment Resource Centre

Employment Agency

Hanover, ON, Canada · +1 519-364-3163

Closed today

B

The Agency

Employment Agency

Owen Sound, ON, Canada · +1 519-376-4357

Closed today

Random Ponderings -

The future unfolds from the tip of intention. Try to forget that the road to hell was paved with good intentions.

I guess you won.

She looks in the mirror but no longer knows that girl
Rage rises, guilt grips down, bits of pain unfurl.
She was broken, pieces hidden all over the place.
Thank you for making her feel like she was a disgrace.

You treated her like she was horrible and weak,
you acted like she was nothing but a goddamn freak.
Your inability to love is a back handed curse,
every single moment making her feel worse.

You said she disagreed with everything you said.
but when she spoke all you did was turn your head.
You said she was a former shell of herself,
But you put every single emotion up on the shelf

Running in circles, trying to please, she couldn't breathe,
All your broken promises, crushed her and made her seethe
You did this. No ability to empathize, this was your choice.
So stand proud, from your mouth, nothing but an empty voice

She stood beside you but now is running far from you
The long con, the chosen mark, in everything you do
Crushing lies so frequently, you believe its the truth,
But your mind focused on nothing but your lost youth.

Dark days turn to rain clouds crushing,
Darkness is violently approaching; mind rushing.
She begged you to help her, to save her life,
But before you walked away you handed her the knife.

Tears, anger and fear is what you deserve.
You gifted this pain, what motivates the nerve?
Proud, selfish and mean, you use everyone
But in your heartless intolerance, I guess you won.

Day 20 - Two thirds and half baked.

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  Half hour
3. Walk - Yes
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for strangers compliments and flirting.
5. Build/Create - Plants/Flowers w/E
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am optimistic.
8. NO junk - Way too many Lime Rickies
9. "Fix" - Brickfete.
10. Seek pleasure. - Flirting, Dancing
9/10

Todays Brave Act -
Commit to one uncomfortable conversation today. Feeling out of place? Don't worry, the other person is too.

Well how convenient??? I actually had a few of these today.  One in the morning, the other in the evening.

First one was reaching out to the past, asking to work out the last few loose ends.  Mildly rejected like usual, basically a "nothing more to see here move along" moment.  I was sad for a sec... but then I realized. no Im not sad... Im just over it...  being controlling and dismissive is the way he is, so why should I care?  I will work through these last details just as we worked through everything in our relationship.  ON HIS TERMS. Sigh.

The second one was the complete opposite.  Once again reaching out to have a convo with the past, but this one turned out to way awesome... Humbling but oh sooo fun.  Two hours of old times have lead to trying on some new times for fun.  However the choice to drink while doing so was probably not my wisest move, as now Im trying to write this post half in the bag and tormented by friends that are distracting me.  I love the prospect of this call I took... however I am walking slowly and treading carefully.

I am eager to invite others to take part in my brave adventure because though it all, memories and goals are much more satisfying when savored. From best friends to complete strangers, I listen sincerely because each perspective brings its own unique value.  An attitude of understanding removes limiting barriers and allows for mutual constructive growth. I always seek to recognize the potential in others and will encourage them in their own brave intentions.

 Journal Prompts

What conversation do I need to have that I’ve been putting off?
The convo I started this morning is the one I have been putting of.  Its ugly, and difficult, and it hurts.  When you love someone with every single thing you have to give and they break you and then throw you out like your are trash, sucks... but the worst part is the fact that I bought into all the lies told to me.  The lies broke me.  The lies stole my will to live.  The lies made me hate myself.  I have been fighting this whole time to bring back me... and Im almost here.  Im dating, Im laughing, Im loving, Im working, and Im dancing in my underwear.... however things are not FINISHED and its nagging me and controlling me, and I need it to end.  I will do it on his terms for a few days, but not long, Im at the end of my rope with this deal.

What am I scared of that has prevented me from having this conversation?
My fear has not kept me from having this convo, the other person is preventing me from having it. Blocking me, refusing calls...   If things are not worked out by next week, when this challenge ends, so will my effort to actually have this convo.  It can be solved in other ways... I dont want to be pushed into that direction, but this is not a threat... when you break someone over and over, they either are down and out, or they rise stronger, wiser and ready to take what is rightly theirs.

Day 19 - New Month - New Day

Day 19 of 30 Days of Brave

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  Half hour
3. Walk - No
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for the past.
5. Build/Create - New Moc.
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am optimistic.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Laundry, Dishes.
10. Seek pleasure. - I "Callie"d and Soaked
9/10

Brave Act -

In a moment of misery, crack a smile.
As I focused on the past and forced laughter instead of tears.  Staying present and forcing myself to believe that being optimistic is a choice.

"Every day is a new beginning. Treat it that way. Stay away from what might have been and look at what can be."

Journal Prompt -

When things inevitably don’t go my way today, I will use optimism to overcome adversity by responding in the following way … I will not go into instant rage... I will instead breath into the angry, I will take a few seconds to think... and then, and only then I will choose to react with optimism or instead, if I can not manage that, I will choose to walk away and deal with it later.

Day 18 - Dance like no one is watching.

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga -  I full hour (very proud)
3. Walk - Yes /E
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for new/old friend C.
5. Build/Create - Rage doodled.
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am adventurous.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Two totes and cleaned kitchen.
10. Seek pleasure. - I "Callie"d myself.
10/10

Brave Act - 
The next stranger that crosses your path ask them the first genuine question that comes to mind.  

Im not afraid to talk to strangers, in fact I quite welcome it.  I asked some random person what they love and hate about this small town I live in.  Their answer was "everything" and "nothing".  It was short, and sweet but lacked the authenticity I seek.  Which is exactly what I hate about this town, no one rocks the boat.

My perception of the world and belief in what is possible is not limited by the interpretation of others. It is through direct experience that I develop a concrete understanding of my own reality. This develops a confidence at a cellular level that enables me to freely and courageously navigate any adventure. I know I might not find the answer or reach the destination I set out for, but this quest of inquiry will at least open myself up to a mystery that’s meant to be lived.

Journal Prompts -  
What assumed truth has fearfully prevented me from taking action?

No one will love me, the real me.  Not friends, I have lots of love from friends, and my close family, I mean a life partner.

What personal experience could give me a better understanding this fear?

The 48 years of rejection, the 27 year argument, the wage I earn, my upbringing, my fear of never being enough, fighting to be heard, to be respected, to just be.  I don't want to think about experiences that lead to this fear.  Why do these journal prompts focus on the negative??? Aren't we supposed to be changing our inner voice to a positive one??? I want to rise above these fears.  For my own self worth is a enough to rise above every single voice that is discouraging or hateful.

Random Ponderings - 
I have always identified with the fictional "Callie Torres" from GA... and the "bit" about her no longer dancing in her underwear because of how unhappy she was, and life had a hold on her... and her moving on by herself, finally letting go and embracing her self, her curves, imperfectly perfect, sexy and oh so beautiful.  This has always been an inspiration.

Yoga, dance and art may save my life... but until then, I call dibs!

Day 17 - You win some, you lose some.

Today's email came with the words "some days are harder than others" in the subject line, and all I can reply to that is "no kidding"... today knocked me down and didnt even wait for the count before calling victory on the whole day.  I guess death of a love one does that, but I found myself curled up in bed in the middle of the day for 3 hours.  Thats the first time during this challenge I have allowed my emotions to win, but today Im going to give myself a pass, I needed to grieve, and grieve I did. 

Luckily I did a bit of my list before I learned of his passing.  

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga - 30
3. Walk - No
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for my old friend/lover and thankful for the time I had him in my life.
5. Build/Create - No
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am progressing.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Dishes.
10. Seek pleasure. - Bubble bath and friends support
8/10 

Brave Act - 

Let your brave muscle repair and strengthen by reflecting and appreciating the daily small wins you've been accomplishing.

"Sometimes I feel like when I take one step forward, I end up falling two steps back. What’s important in this situation is that I don't let these setbacks deter me from staying course and moving forward. I must remember that life moves in waves and it’s okay to have bad days, as long as I get back up and keep pressing ahead."

 

Today's Journal Prompts -

 

A recent moment that left me feeling scared and discouraged …

Both today and Day 15 left me feeling scared and discouraged because I lost my focus and had problems not just collapsing under the emotional strain. 

Reflecting on this moment, I see now that I grew from this challenging situation in the following way … I learned that tomorrow is yet another day, and the best you can do is get a good nights sleep and start fresh yet again in the morning.  That is just what Im going to do, once I hit publish.  

My Random Ponderings...

 An extended post of what I wrote on FB 

I just heard about an ex boyfriend's death on facebook.  He was a "current friend & beloved secret keeper" and I just confided in him last night, about this journey and about some crazy new revelations.... and now he is gone. Talk about life jarring events.  I am in utter shock.  I feel for his family, his new wife, his grown kids, his brother, and all his extended family, work mates, etc.  

I'm absolutely gutted and heartbroken and mad for myself as well. 

My thoughts - You were a great man, that taught me that love does not come in a perfect little box wrapped in a bow. That sometimes letting go is an act of love and sometimes holding on, means holding back. I will never forget the amazing times we spent together.  You are clearly loved by many, but I know you and I knew what made you tick, and I know what we shared was short but deep, and meant something to both of us.  I do not doubt that I left a mark on your life as you have left one on mine.  I will never look at art the same way, or anti-art black canvas the same way, and I certainly will never look at a doorway the same way either.  I have never had a better art gallery companion, and our private life was pretty great too, at least all the moments we were able to steal away.  Im soooo glad I was right that one night and years later you had to confess it to me, because there were so many times you were right as well and I would hate to think that the old man had one over on this young-en all the time.  You changed my thinking and made me feel like my opinions and decisions were worthy.  You debated and charmed me, and you rocked my world.  My dream to live in the south plays partly on your southern charms and our southern adventures.  I regret that I will never hear the barely intelligible twang you had  I will never forget your art, your laugh, the eye twinkle and the way you touched my soul.  

This day I will grieve, this shot of whiskey, these tears, of saying good bye then and now,... they are all for you, and all you gave me. 

I know my tears will make you mad, but give me just one day. 

Tomorrow... as humour was your greatest gift and greatest weapon... tomorrow I will laugh.  I promise. 

I will focus on the fun, the silly, crazy, good times, the laughter tummy aches, and happy tears of release.  My mind is rushing with thoughts, the flood, the plane you were never going to make - then magically were there, the mill damn, the stench of snicks disgustingly rotting food, the banana yellow track suit, the art galleries, the popup, breaking the popup, fixing the popup, the heat, the sweat from the unbearable heat, the diner, the other diner, all the diners, the freshly cleaned port-a-potty, the car wash, snicks muddy foot prints on my ass as I nearly fell in the river, and all the other insane mishaps we shared.  

But give me today to focus on my heart and our lifelong friendship based on the result of a simple touch in the middle of some random night. Not many are aware of our journey, my children never got to meet you, nor I yours, but today when 

I said good-bye to you on FB, your brother put a heart there and I know its because he knew what we shared, somehow it helped.  How proud you would be of how people spoke of you today, you touched so many and you were loved.  

Rest well my friend, know that you did everything you could, for me, and all those you cared about. I love you forever and forever it will be.  Say good night Gracie.  

Day 15 - No, Day 16

Well... due to unforeseen but perhaps predictable circumstances... Day 15 turned out to be a total write off.  Out of town guest lead to a total burnout from mental exploration which left me with a startling conclusion that I guess I have always known, but never let rise to my cognitively conscientiously active brain.  Yeah I know, denial is a lovely cover up for all that ails ya.

So, in the spirit of getting back on the horse... here is a combo, Day 15/16

Today in my solitude, I will tackle both days of journal prompts and "brave" acts, but you will see below that the "10" things yesterday broke my whole rule of not going to bed before I score a 8 out of 10.  Im not going to self flagellate here, Im just going to pick up and carry along.  If guilt stays with me for dropping the ball I will make this a 31 day challenge instead.

Day 15/16
1. Water - No/Yes
2. Yoga - No/Yes
3. Walk - No/Yes
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for emtional breakthroughs/ I am grateful for Brickfete.
5. Build/Create - Big Ben and  /M*A*S*H and doodle
6. Be still - No/Yes
7. Positive - I am resourceful/I am focused.
8. NO junk - Ate awfully/Yes back on track.
9. "Fix" - No/Trailer
10. Seek pleasure. - JB/Float
Day 15  3/10
Day 16  8/10

Day 15 - Brave Act (actually done on Day 16)

Draw a scene of yourself 15 days from now, succeeding in your 30-Day challenge.
Note what emotions arise as you doodle your braver, successful self.
(Took longer to work through this than I expected, but this was a fun process. End of the 28 year argument, and the 48 year rejection, The end of not being enough and being manipulated by my own twisted ideals of acceptance.)  The tear-down of the walls to hide behind, and the building of a safe mind and health bubble.  Super hero stance, building inner strength, tall, strong back bone, positive thoughts. Floating wings of a self built fantasy, but the shedding of fantasies planted others.  A core group of support just an arms length away, far enough to catch if there is a fall, but enough distance away that leaning is impossible.  

Day 16 - Brave Act 

When you take a shower, notice how the water flows down your skin; notice the temperature, the pressure,  and the sounds of individual droplets.  When you are sitting, just as you are now, catch yourself slouching, sit up straight. Sit with alertness and intent. Take a deep breath, and let it all go.  (The irony of me missing yesterday and today's prompt being "focused" is not lost on me)


Day 15 - Journal Prompts (actually written on Day 16)

What resources would help me flourish in my 30 Day Challenge?
(e.g. money, time, information, training, technology, people)
Confidence, or more so, the ability to believe in my dreams again.  Yes, of course money would always help, or at least reduce stress, however, every "real" battle I have is with nothing but the grey matter within my own head.

What emotions can I develop to elicit more of those resources?
(e.g. creativity, curiosity, determination, love, enthusiasm, honesty)
Creativity for sure, its curative, but I do need a good dose of enthusiasm, adrenaline or good old fashion optimism.  Not my typical "go to" emotions, but I am working on it.


Day 16 - Journal Prompt

Something I've achieved that I might have previously thought impossible …
Seeking out acceptance and finding it for my depression.  I have spent too long feeling alone and riddled with guilt.

Something or someone that will get 100% of my attention today … 
Since the last seven days have been focussed on "someone"... actually a few someones, today's focus will be Brickfete.  I have been neglecting Brickfete for way too long, and today its time to buckle down.  I commit at least a full work day to this and will start a 12 pm sharp with the trailer.  UGH.  Motivation please do not fail me.

Day 14 - Stupid Pet Tricks

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga - 10 (House Guest)
3. Walk - No
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for JB.
5. Build/Create - Adventure Time
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am determined.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Groceries etc.
10. Seek pleasure. - 4am JB-vision
8/10

30 Day Action 
Choose one of the determined micro-challenges: examples Brush Teeth with Opposite Hand, Carry Something Tempting, Chew Each Bite 30 Times.

The idea....
Remember, it is in the small, seemingly insignificant things that we begin to flex our brave muscle and adopt a new normal.

The reality...
These action are lame, and I mean LAME.  I really feel like these are not challenging and feel more like stupid pet tricks...but I will do it... for SCIENCE.

30 Day Journal Prompt(s) -

What has previously interfered with my ability to perform?  (e.g. limiting beliefs, values, people, systems, etc)
Well, procrastination, negative self talk or self worth, laziness, and money, or lack there of, is inferring with my ability to perform.  None of which are insurmountable, but often in the forefront of my thinking.  I do know when push comes to shove I can manage, but often its just not worth the effort.  Or is no longer worth the effort.

Which of these are external limitations, and which are internal?
All of these are internal limitations, however, I guess if push came to shove you could argue money is an external, however, my ability to earn more money is directly related to and a result of the other internal issues mentioned above.  The only other external limitation is the lack of being able to share this journey with a like minded individual that willingly believes in the journey and me.  I have a lot of supportive friends, some of whom actually even grok me, but a partnership is lacking and does hinder my will to "fight".

Random Ponderings - 
"My lot in life has been determined by the actions I have and haven't taken. Today, I will do what I know needs to be done to accomplish what I’ve set out to achieve. I have the will and skill to fight through resistance. To understand the fears that I encounter, not run from them, and in turn, I will overcome them."

Such a nice thought... can someone lend me a backbone?  Spineless mindless jellyfish.

I feel much better physically than I have expected.  Such a nice surprise.  Emotionally I am up and down, definitely more UP than down, which is also a great surprise... however, I think my biggest issues around depression is not actually the depression, but the deep dark fears of how big, dark and ugly the next round will be.  The fear of how bad the bite from the big black dog will wound me.

Day 13 - Luck and Lady Chance

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga - 30
3. Walk - No, I am unable to walk for the next two days - BA
4. Be grateful -  I am grateful for medical science.
5. Build/Create - Adventure Time
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am ambitious.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Tidy house for "guest".
10. Seek pleasure. - 4 days of J-vision
9/10

30 Day Action - Define the one thing you can do every day, no matter what, that will help you achieve your 30-day goal.

"Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible."

The one most important thing I need to do for the remaining of this challenge is to believe I am enough.  I need to commit to the 8 out of 10 things.  They are healing me.  I must always remember that I am my own worst enemy, no one is holding me back but myself, and the voices in my head.  The ugly, nasty, mean voices.

30 Day Journal Prompt(s) -
If I wasn't able to succeed in my 30-day goal what might be the biggest reason?
Fear and depression, and the voices that feed the fear and depression.   Fear is the thing that keeps me from my dreams and depression is the thing that keeps me wrapped up in darkness.

I can mitigate the risk of that happening by doing the following …
I can mitigate the risk by slowing killing off the voices with positive self talk, by reaching out to friends that grok me, and by finally taking care of myself.

Random Ponderings - Today would be a terrible day to die.  This journey has really become much less of who did what and when to me, around me, with me.... to a celebration of what I do, when and where I do it, why I do and who I am.  (Who I do, was really tempting, to say.  But again, Im much too mature to say that. See.)

Luck may not be on my side, but chance is something I can feed.

Day 12 - Distractions and Persistence

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga - 15
3. Walk - Raining all day
4. Be grateful -  I'm grateful for my depression as it helped me explain things to someone in need.
5. Build/Create - Series 17
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am calculated.  
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" -. LEGO
10. Seek pleasure. - Cub Scout dinner with M/E
9/10

30 Day Action -
Say 'no' to a pending invitation or opportunity that would get in the way of your current 30-day goal

I cant really say I have anything to say no to.  I have already decided to remove all toxic people in my life, and I have had no problems doing to.  I only have one serious obligation during this period of time, and it will not have any negative impact on my journey.  I guess I will have to commit to saying no to any of my own self-sabotaging.  

30 Day Journal Prompt(s) - I've been unable to move forward with …

I have been unable to move forward with getting rid of things that don't belong to me and also getting the random stuff in my life organised.

Unknowns that make me hesitant to proceed …
Well, sadly they are unknowns, so how could I possibly answer that???  I think this prompt was not thought out very well, however, if you are asking what is holding me back, I can only guess that my need to reach out right now to others has kept me online and visiting in real life with other people that I have mismanaged my time.  I also always have "low motivational" levels until the very last minute.  No real pressure to get these items done, so its hard to light the fire under my own ass.

One simple thing I can do now to gain clarity on the path forward … commit to moving 10 things per day.

Random Ponderings - Im easily distracted today, and I did a good deed.  Both are completely unrelated, but the good deed I did today might turn around a bite me on the ass.  I had a very interesting afternoon talk with a friend that I dont typically spend time with.  It was completely inappropriate.  I have a reoccurring thought, its not helping me on my journey at all.  I have drank 4 days in a row, funny for someone that has not bought alcohol since Christmas.  I am hiding a big part of my life from a number of people.  Im not sure why.  

Day 11 - Fear Factory and Fictitious Friends

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga - 30
3. Walk - Very short
4. Be grateful - My classroom
5. Build/Create - MASH layout
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am compassionate (even to myself).
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Dinning Room
10. Seek pleasure. - Class
9.5/10

30 Day Action - Face a fear.  Meet it with compassion and kindness.  Remind yourself the fear is only to keep you safe.  Remind yourself you are safe and let go of the fear.

30 Day Journal Prompt(s) -  
Write a note to yourself from the perspective of an unconditionally loving imaginary friend:

Dear Janey,

I can tell you have been having a bit of a rough time with depression over the past year or two.  I just wanted to write to you to let you know I think you are an amazingly strong person to keep the fight up.  I know the way you have been treated by a few select people and the truth is that you do not deserve that sort of toxic behavior being thrown in your face.  True friends do not take your life into their hands, they do not put you down for things that make you beautiful and they do not make you feel worthless.  I know there is a part of you that can still fight, and I am asking you to do so.  To continue on your journey, to fix the issues you feel are a problem, but when push comes to shove, remember this... all the personalities that you have been told are ugly or undesirable are also the personalities that let you keep fighting for what you believe in.

Your anger comes from deep passion, not the will to be hurtful.
Your sadness comes from the need to be loved, not the will to manipulate.
Your control issues come from the need to be safe, not the will to dominate.
Your fight comes from the abandonment, not the will to have an argument.
Your disagreement comes from the need to be heard, not prove someone wrong.

While you are working to tame these "ugly" parts, please do not lose yourself in the process.  If someone makes you a priority they will understand and embrace your passion, love, need to be seen and safe and abandonment fears. You deserve this in your life because you have so much to offer an other person.  Your kind soul takes care of everyone you love, you will bend over backwards for people you include in your life, that alone should be enough, but you arrive with so much more.  You bring, humour, love, talent, intelligence, emotional intelligence and support to the table, as well as a great sense of adventure, a passion for the arts, education and mental health, a drive for life long learning, and tons of sexual excitement.  Someone would be lucky to have those things brought into their life, because yes, you are enough.

Love. your friend always,
Penelope

Random Ponderings - Alcohol even in small amounts seems to give me headaches.  Are these physical reactions or do these headaches stem from stress around what alcohol means?   P.S. Writing a letter from a fictitious friend seems a bit delusional.  Not a "fan" of today's journal prompt.

Day 10 - Curiouser and Curiouser

One third complete this journey. 

1. Water - Yes

2. Yoga - 30 

3. Walk - No

4. Be grateful - I am grateful for my safety.  

5. Build/Create - No

6. Be still - Link

7. Positive - I am curious and courageous.  

8. NO junk - Yes

9. "Fix" -. Living room - part 1

10. Seek pleasure. - Afternoon/evening with K. 

8/10

30 Day Action 

3 whys - Pushing past canned surface responses.

30 Day Journal Prompt(s) -  

A recent fear that I would like to overcome… Why does this fear make me feel scared and uncomfortable?

I would like to be able to trust people.  I find it hard to trust others because I have been lied to so many times in the past.  I'm scared to trust because I want to believe in people so much that somehow when they lie I feel bad  about myself.  I feel like I have failed, or returned once again to that place of 'not being enough'.  I'm not sure why I struggle with the fact that people lie for their own reasons and it really should not make me feel bad about myself. 

Why does matter to me that I overcome this fear?

This fear is making it difficult to connect with people and accept them for who they are.  

Why have I been previously been unable to overcome this fear? 

Im not sure, I think I have overcome it numerous times however I am finding now that even it takes less of a lie, or broken commitment to stir up the bad feelings.  I believe that I have been trying to be someone that a person wouldn't want to lie to.  Feeling somewhere that if I live my life with open and shared honesty the same would be returned.  I think now I need to learn to live my life with the same open honesty but to lose any expectations of it being returned to me.  I think I need to finally realise that no matter who I am, its never going to really change, help, save or fix broken people I allow in my life.  

Random Ponderings -

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."

Responding to fear with investigation develops an awareness that favors courageous action. Each time I let go of the need to be right and stay in that vulnerable place of uncertainty, I am embracing the kind of curiosity that enables positive change to occur.

Day 9 - Vulnerability Tree

What have you struggled with most during this 30-day challenge?
I have struggled with my lack of self-worth over the last number of years, perhaps almost all my adult life.

1. Water - Yes
2. Yoga - Yes
3. Walk - 7000 w/E
4. Be grateful - Thankful for creature comforts of my home.
5. Build/Create - No
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am okay being vulnerable.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Rage cleaned w/E.
10. Seek pleasure. - NSFW.
9/10

30 Day Action - https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
Today, be courageously vulnerable by openly sharing this weakness with a friend.

Today, be courageously vulnerable by openly sharing this weakness with a friend.
Today we basked in our vulnerabilities. We owned them, we dissected them, we devoured them, and regurgitated them.

30 Day Journal Prompt(s) - A weakness that I’m struggling with …

For me... the "never good enough" and the need to save others.
1. NEVER enough .... never smart enough, never beautiful enough, never talented enough, just never enough.  Its a reoccurring theme.  Its a burden.  Its the ugly voices in my head.  Its the voices of men I no longer trust.  Its the voices of my parents.  Its woven so through me its hard to know where it starts and when it stops.
2. The need to save others, not just those that are worthy of saving but event those even willing to gut me.  The over powerful need to make excuses for narcissists and psychopaths.  The naivety of believing in someone that has done nothing but lie to every single person in their lives.  The need to save them from them selves and the even more damaging need to save those that do not want to be saved.

Today, I will be courageously vulnerable by sharing my weakness with the following person…
Last night was a train wreck, but Im okay.  Prior to last night I spent a few stressful days with a friend, but only stressful to me due to my empathy for everything he is going through.  My heart is breaking for this friend because I know if he doesnt seek real help, his problems are going to be astronomical.  These few days lead to a night of just opening my soul and my vulnerable side to a completely different friend.  In the darkness I shared a part of myself that I have been avoiding, this friend did not recoil in fear or disgust yet we didnt go farther with this exchange.  I know why, yet it was somewhat unsatisfying.

Random Ponderings -  Since my trip was cut short... I ended up back at my van.  The van was locked down at my work.  Being at this parking lot, in the dark, it brought up two other times I was "stuck" in the exact same physical place.  I have left this said parking lot numerous times, tired and ready to hit home after a long day of work.  However those memories have no hold on me.  The hold is from a few specific trips where Im being brought back to my van, because Im just not enough and I need to go back to my own world.  Last night, even though that was not the reason I was returned to my van, those feeling fled into my heart.  Due to my van being locked in, had me as a temporary prisoner.  It was cold, and I struggled to sleep, but even though those memories flooded me, I did not drown in them.  I am enough.

Day 8 - Quiet Intentions

1. Water - Yes

2. Yoga - No 

3. Walk - Park w/S&T

4. Be grateful - Thankful for the silence 

5. Build/Create - No

6. Be still - Yes

7. Positive - I am capable.   

8. NO junk - Yes

9. "Fix" - Laundry, Packing for home. 
10. Seek pleasure. - Seeing the boys. 
8/10

30 Day Action - Water someone else's seed of intention.  
Dying to say "dirty" but Im much too mature for that... Been helping a few friends over the last couple of days, reminding them that they are worth it, that they are capable and they deserve better.

30 Day Journal Prompt(s) - 
Who made you feel good this week? What did they say?
I have had so much support this week, particularly around two parts of my life, the 'creative' me, and the 'friend' me.  Words have touched and healed me this week.  Words of support, admiration, thanks and some charming flirting has gone a long way in making me feel more like myself.  Or the 'self' I want to be.  Its weird, because this journey is supposed to be about loving oneself, which should not come from others, but from within.  I have to wonder why other peoples voices ring louder than our own.  That goes for the hate as well, I can hear the voices that tell me  

Random Ponderings -  So sore and tired today, chronic pain is kicking me hard.  This is resulting in a mood that seems a bit lower than it has for the last few days, but Im positive that it's just temporary.   It better be, as I will no longer tolerate pain, depression, sadness or stress controlling my ability to function.   Will re-evalutate tomorrow just to be sure. 

Day 7 - Heroic Wunderlust

1. Water - Yes

2. Yoga - 10 

3. Walk - Zoo w/S&T

4. Be grateful - Thankful for distractions 

5. Build/Create - Colouring

6. Be still - Yes

7. Positive - I am the hero of my own story.   

8. NO junk - Yes

9. "Fix" - 
10. Seek pleasure. - Zoo
9/10

30 Day Action - Hero stance and statement.  

30 Day Journal Prompt(s) -  

If my life was a movie and it started today, what would the hero do?
The hero would continue to save the world but would always remember that if the hero doesn't take care of herself, she loses all of her super powers. 

What old routines and patterns would the hero break?
The hero would stop engaging with villains and instead invest time with other heroes or heroic pursuits.  The hero would stop all self sabotaging efforts and make smart healthy choices. 

What new habits would the hero replace those old habits with?
Yoga, meditation, art therapy... feed the mind, not the body.  

Random Ponderings -  I AM the hero of my own story, BUT I can also be the villain.   I must remember to silence the villain and allow the hero to wear her cape (or wings) and remember the villains experiences have given me all the knowledge I need to succeed. 

Day 6 - Art Therapy

1. Water - Yes

2. Yoga - 30

3. Walk - Park w/S&T 3000

4. Be grateful - Thankful for J. 2.0 

5. Build/Create - Layout for BF

6. Be still - Yes

7. Positive - I will succeed

8. NO junk - Yes

9. "Fix" - Sorted
10. Seek pleasure. - Sketching
10/10

30 Day Action - Choose one metric to use that can measure the result of your 30-day goal. 

Part of my goal is to remember why I actually like myself.  To not identify by those I love or help, but to instead embrace my inner child to be the positive creative person that speaks her mind in valuable tangible emotional ways.  Measurable goal - completed creative works that share my voice.  

30 Day Journal Prompt - I have 24 days left in my 30 day goal to (insert 30 day goal) 
       I will share publicly 4 FINISHED creative works
Which means within 2 weeks, I need to (insert 2 week goal)
       To have 2 completed works  done (1 is finished already)
Which means in 1 week, I need to (insert 1 week goal)
       Complete one piece.
Which means in the next 3 days, I need to (insert 3 day goal)
       Spend all of Monday working on it. 
To hit that 3 day goal, today I need to (insert today's goal)
       Sketch plan

Random Ponderings - Art brings meaning to *my* life.  

Day 5 - Am I Enough?

1. Water - Yes

2. Yoga - 15

3. Walk - 4000

4. Be grateful - Thankful for J

5. Build/Create - Layout for BF

6. Be still - Yes

7. Positive - Struggling with this one today.  

8. NO junk - Yes

9. "Fix" - Organise photos

10. Seek pleasure. - Staying at J
9/10

30 Day Action -  Not Enough - MY Depression, Weight, Anger Management Issues, Finances, Lack of Tidiness, and Procrastination are six powerful reasons to believe I'm not good enough.  My action today is supposed to be thankful for these 'faults' as they allow me to know myself and let them go to say 'I am enough'.  This may be the first time in this journey I struggle.  I have always known my faults, and as weird as it may seem, I don't mind my depression on a whole, sometimes.  I think it's made me a better friend, supporter of mental health issues, and definitely more empathetic. I do hate the weight issues but it's something I can cope with. It's been a battle all my life, and I have gone from weight extremes many times through out my life, and weirdly being much thinner didn't change me (did not bring joy).  Finances, tidiness and procrastination are all three 'faults' that don't upset me until it's shoved in my face by someone that is supposed to love me unconditionally.  Yes, of course I would love to be more rich, tidy and more proactive, who wouldn't? I does not haunt me, as those things are just not me, it's not where my mind is focused.  I need to seek friends, family, partners that are okay with the fact that my hippy dippy tree hugging artist side doesn't sing when forced to conform to what society values.   

30 Day Journal Prompt - How would I define feeling 'enough' as it relates to me personally?

                         Why do my voices of ‘not enough’ exist? What are they trying to tell me?

                         How can I grow by spending time listening to these voices?


I'm laughing because I thought the whole point of this journey was not to listen to these negative thoughts, however, I will indulge this program and embrace these prompts.  I would say that the things that make me feel 'not enough' are the voices that haunt me. Disapproving glances, shakes of the head, 'You are a former shell of yourself' remarks from those I have chosen to be part of my life confuse me and breaks my heart.  I am a sensitive soul and I do want others to be proud of me.  I feel the core of myself has never changed, but I do change surface behaviors for others, since they are not "me" typically they result in my ultimate failure.  My depression seems to lead all my other 'bad behaviors', as when I'm down I find food soothes, anger builds, spending increases, tidiness and procrastination worsens.  Perhaps this is why these people felt I was a former shell or perhaps no one wants to love someone that is 'broken'.  Society and lovers make me feel broken and angry, and I am lucky to have a large group of friends that make me feel like I have value.  My depression should not be judged as a failure, but it is.  In my mind, it's my anger is the real issue I need to work on.  My anger hurts the people I love, and I can never say sorry enough for times I have snapped, barked, or judged someone too harshly because of it.  They feel it's directed to them, which it isn't, but I understand why they think it is. I do not know how to properly process frustration.  

I can be over sensitive and I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I will not apologise for that, nor do I think it's a fault. I wish more people were open and honest about how they feel. However I do need to speak more calmly because its always often misconstrued.  My passion scares people, they see anger when its truly not there, its heartbreak not anger.  I want to love myself enough, to really believe I am enough, and to realise that no one else needs to love me to make my life have value.  Sadly loneliness is a real enemy and will make me play make believe for far too long.  No more make believe!  I trust the wrong people, I need to be more protective of my own self worth. 

Random Ponderings -  Today's 'lesson' was not nearly as cathartic as I had hoped.  Perhaps I am already self aware, or perhaps I have not delved deep enough.  I do know I hate the 9 to 5 world, and all the suits counting stacks of money to decide everyone's worth.  My utopia is an artist commune where people just eat paint at 3 am, education and health is valued above all and being 'rich' means you have deep connections with others.  

Day 4 - Yesterday is Gone

1. Drink Water - Yes
2. Yoga - 15
3. Walk - Yes
4. Be grateful - I am grateful for my good friend E.
5. Build/Create - Layout for BF
6. Be still - Yes
7. Positive - I am present.
8. NO junk - Yes
9. "Fix" - Packed & delivered order
10. Seek pleasure. - Meeting with a friend
Score:  10/10

"I will not allow my past fears and failures to limit the potential of who I could become today. Only this present moment, holds the opportunity for powerful life-changing action.  As I live today in the present moment, I free myself from any stress of the past and anxiety for the future."

30 Day Action - Today's action is to focus on the present.  To not allow future anxiety or past failures to be in the mind.  To only focus on what my current goal is.  Added a specific meditation for this process as well as working on the negative self talk.  I am present and I am enough.  https://intentioninspired.com/one-minute-meditation

30 Day Journal Prompt - Address a past moment that has left me feeling powerless or afraid.
Moments in the past that have left me feeling powerless or afraid tend to always be about three things, Firstly, when I am losing myself to be something else someone else needs or wants.  And more so, the failing of becoming that person. Secondly, the paralyzing fear of my own depression and how it can get a hold of me, but even more so, how it effects others around me.  Lastly, a fear of trust because of the lies that have been told.

Random Ponderings - As Im working through this process I am starting to see that there are many other areas of my life Im willing or wanting to change, or at least tweak.  I am nervous to add too many changes at one, so I will leave this link for my future self to check out again.